The only motivation is the weight loss. I lost 1.7 kg this week.
So today I start to rebound. I can snap out of it. I had enough sleep and I am well rested.
I listened to Capital UK.
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I better break my addiction to Els. As it is stated, the whole thing is an addiction. There is nothing beyond that. I am acting like a crazy man.
I am not in love with her. I just want to express my craziness for her to like me. I don't think it is working. She will conclude that I am crazy but she will not like me anyway.
No girl in her right mind will like a crazy middle age man. I got to come to term with that.
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Now that I am doing this OMAD Apple, I have the urge to smoke dope. That's because my dopamine is low.
I feel like writing to Els.
Dear Els,
I just came to the realization that I had not been acting like a normal person with you. Well, that's because I am not normal. I am a person with a certain mental condition. I know it but I can't help it. This is not something I can rationally manage. Otherwise it will not be considered as a disorder.
For the past 3 weeks I had been educating myself on this illness. Certainly my feelings towards you were way too intense. It was influenced by the surge of neurotransmitters in my brain; namely dopamine. I become excessively happy when I'm with you. No doubt it is a wonderful feeling but I don't think it is something I want to accentuate. My mission is to get well. Plus I don't want *[] (to) reinforce the relationship with exaggerations.
Taking all aspects into account, I decided *[] (to) stop writing to you for a few months. As least until I manage to control my overwhelming feelings for you. It is as strong as my addiction to cigarettes. When I don't write to you I experience withdrawal symptoms. The only way to overcome that is to break the addiction cold turkey.
I will not be listening to you either during this period. The thing that bugs me is not knowing what your feeling about this whole thing. Do you despise me or do you tolerate me writing to you? Certainly by me writing to you helps me deal with my bipolar swings.
You helped me much with my recovery. However, I don't want the pendulum to swing between extremes anymore. What I plan to achieve is a range somewhere at the midpoint.
Thank you for not rejecting me. This is not an easy illness to deal with. It takes patience and persistence. The word I came across many times during my research is resilience. I don't have anybody else who I can write as openly as I write to you. Somehow you managed *[] (to) strike the right cord.
* Sarah seems to agree with this approach.
Love you always.
Sine cera,
SJ
11/7/20
I wrote a somber email to you tonight. I won't be contacting you in the next few months. Need to reassess the whole situation. I think I need to have a fresh perspective.
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That's probably the end of my loving relationship [] (with) Els. I had decided to no longer contact her. Let it end here. I had just realized that it is not a relationship. It is me feeding on the illness. I write to her because that makes me feel good. I don't really know what actually she is thinking. For all I know she thinks I am a nutcase.
Just like I had been receiving text from Hanafiah. It is really a nuisance.
I sounded like I am in desperate need to have her. People can smell desperation.
From now on, when I write, I'll write to you.
I think I stop seeing BJ too. I had the urge to smoke pot because my dopamine is low. I got to fight this battle all by myself.
What is it really? It is dependency on the neurochemicals. So I need to fight the illness and recover from this dependency. I need to get well.
I have to get back to basics. Diet and exercise.
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