Dear Els,
I am doing my best to be sensible in writing this letter:
I am very aware of the social [] (stigma) people have towards those with mental illness. We are seen as weird and eccentric. It is not uncommon that society makes fun of our conditions. Instead of trying to understand our sufferings, more than often the society just shun us.
I lost many friends and my corporate clients in the course of me having this illness for the past 20 years. It was so bad that I had to go on isolation for 8 years.
I know you are not comfortable with my presence. No matter how much I try, I can never get you to like me the way you like other people. I am an outcast.
The question is, do I deny the illness and deny myself or do I deny the opportunity to make myself present to you?
You had been the inspiration for me to be well again. Maybe that is not something that you expect. However in my case that is a huge factor for me to recover again.
You are instrumental in my speedy recovery. According to my doctor, I am the fastest recovering patient. No doubt I suffered for 15 years from this illness but once I got the right treatment, my progress had been very encouraging.
As you know bipolar disorder is a swing between two polarities. Between depression and mania, I fear depression the most. Since I had known you. I no longer suffer from major depression. No mania either. Those eccentricities that you noticed all the while are what is known as hypomania. Those episodes are OK according to my doctor. As a patient I can never entirely eliminate the swings.
They are due to the fluctuation of dopamine in my brain. I cannot regulate them like the common folks. Thus whatever I'm feeling is amplified depending on the stimulus.
Honey, I doubt you even care to rea[l] (read) my emails. However, writing to you is the only option that I have. I like to believe that you care for me. The harsh reality is very few people understand what it's like to suffer from mental illness.
I like you a lot and it saddens me to think that I might just not be able to reach out to you. What can I say baby. I bet there are other people who are in worse situations than me.
I will continue writing to you as a recovery strategy. If you think these emails are invading your personal space, let me know. You can always "unsubscribe" them. However, if you are supporting my effort to get well, drop me a *li[k]e (line). That will definitely boost my morale.
* Sarah would like that too.
OK honey, I'll catch up with you. Take good care of yourself.
Love you always.
Sine cera,
SJ
2/7/20
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I wrote an email entitled Another Dear Els Letter just now. I was feeling melancholic when I did that. So here is your lullaby for tonight: youtube.com/watch?v=_Jtpf8 Goodnight baby. I love you so much.
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