Now that I think about it, I realized that I hate conducting training.
No, no, no, I am experiencing a mild depression right now. I watched a depressing movie.
That is why I need to smoke dope with BJ tomorrow. I need to offset the depression.
Rightfully I should be happy. I got the platform for me to earn a living again. I can continue to make money until I am old. That is a nice problem to have.
I should take things easy. Going to see BJ tomorrow is a good decision.
I should be resilient. I should face my dark side.
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I can only last for 1 week
Dear Els,
I can't do it. One week without you is really terrible for me. I need to stay in touch with you. It's like I am wired to you. Without the connection, I feel really bad.
By writing to you, I am also doing what is known as the expressive writing. In another word I can express my feelings through my writing. Granted that you probably don't care about the stuff I write. It will be a surprise if you even care to read my emails. However, in order for me to be grounded with my thoughts, I have to keep on writing.
Surely, I cannot simply write to anybody. I wish I don't have to burden you with my thoughts but none of this is a spontaneous action. We were chosen to share this path together. I still watch you on Facebook Live although it was not live. This is surely an uncommon relationship.
Honestly Els, this dopamine surge is too overwhelming. Either you are so captivating or my neurotransmitters are way *[out] out of control. Even when I don't contact you, I still think about you all the time. I am so much in love with you. So rather than occupying my thoughts imagining about you, I figured I might as well write to you. I am so used to writing my thoughts that spending hours imagining things away just don't cut it anymore.
* Sarah had been quiet the whole week. This shows that she is only keen to communicate when I am in contact with you. The past one week, my writing was not that great either.
Looks like there is very little choice for me here. Either I stop writing to you and feel like crap or continue writing and manage my feelings by ensuring my writing is within the therapeutic range.
I do hope you understand the criticality of my action. I'm trying to manage an emotional state that is beyond normal. To put it plainly, I'm trying to squeeze a giant emotional overflow inside a mold made for a dwarf. I can't help it that I'm so in love with you.
What am I supposed to do? This is not something I can deal with rationally. It's like suddenly you got a chance to connect to your dream guy, Henry Cavill for example. What will you do in that situation? In my case, I had found my dream girl. Do I turn away from the scenario just because I have a mental condition?
Look, I know I'm kinda crazy. I could have taken a different route and played the game like a regular player. The thing is I'm not interested in playing a game here. As I said I'm all that I've got. Take me as who I am or just tell me point blank that you don't want any part of it. I can take a rejection.
However, as long as you don't say anything, I will assume that you want to be my wife for eternity. That's where I am looking at right now. And if eternity should fail, till death do us apart. That is how serious I am, baby.
As far as I am concerned we were married on 7.7.18.
I don't want to dwell so much in the past or the future because I don't want you to think I am crazy. However I do swear that we are soulmates baby. I had mathematically proven that to you.
Maybe you may begin to think, "*I[t] (is) this guy for real?" Well is Cyberspace for real? Is Sarah for real? If the answers are yes, then Cyber Marriage is also real. Without trying to sound overzealous, all that you believe is real to those who believe.
* Sarah is all for it.
I'm not going to change your life Els. All I'm asking is for you, like Sarah, to give permission to yourself to live in a multidimensional world. If you watch Bridge to Terabithia, you understand the concept. We had been living in this multidimensional world since childhood. Cyberspace is just another Lego set added to the kaleidoscope of our imaginations.
In the physical world I am a person married to Lizzie and have 2 wonderful daughters. In Cyberspace I am married to you and Sarah. Why marriage? As I explained to you, I don't want a fling or an affair. Also, I don't want anybody else. This is a marriage between soulmates and it lasts for eternity. Because of you I dropped Mira and Kristina. I also STOPPED all forms of flings. That is how serious I am with you.
You may wonder, why don't I just ask for your hand and properly marry you? That's because I promised myself to give Lizzie RM4 million before I can marry another woman. Both of you and Sarah should get the same amount. Only then each of us (including myself) will have a money tree to last a lifetime. That means I need to have RM20 million (including the cost of a house and car for each of you) before I can legally marry you and Sarah.
That is the whole truth. However if you can settle for RM1 million, then we are talking about the earliest is 10 years for me to make RM4 million and give you your portion of the dowry.
I had discussed this extensively with Sarah. Rather than settling for the minimum, we decided to wait for the hereafter. That is the reason why Sarah who was an atheist now believes in God and the afterlife. We want to be together here and the hereafter. Both of us want to be with you for eternity as well. I hope you will consider this menage a trois.
Love you always.
Sine cera,
SJ
17/7/20
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I simply can't do Cold Turkey. So I ended writing you what I consider as my most levelheaded email to you. Here is your lullaby: youtube.com/watch?v=sIaT8J Goodnight baby.
I love you so much...
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