11/9/20 ^^^I must SNAP VANISH today

I am starting to have very weird dreams.  This morning I dreamed of talking to my late auntie and my grandma.  I notice that my grandma's hair was shiny black and she was much younger.  As if she is in her 30's.

I ask my auntie if is this some kind of trick.  She said these are all technology.  When I woke up then I realized that I am not supposed to talk to her too because she is already dead.

I am fully aware that all these are the effects of low dopamine.  The amount is really low to the point I am hallucinating in my sleep (I don't consider that a dream).

So what are my thoughts at this moment?  Well, for one I decided to persist with Nicorette cessation.  Once I am on the roll, I might as well follow through until the end.  I believe once I reach the all-time low, the booster will kick in.

I feel like I am a traveler in a barren desert.  I had used up all my resources and I am at the last drop of my reserve.  Already I am at my heaviest weight, I am also at my least happy state.

This is indeed a struggle.  Comfort is just a gum chew away.

Today is Day 13.  I am killing a monster that had been controlling my life for the past 41 years. My motivation is coughing grey phlegm every time I wake up in the morning,

I need to maintain level-headed.  Sure there is discomfort.  However, I must persist.  I should use these quiet times to recompose myself.  That includes staying away from Els.  Although there are signs of recovery, I have to accept that my battle with Nico Demon had reached a new height altogether.

I will not surrender.  I probably need 2 weeks to break the bronco.  Let see what happens on the [on] 15/9/20.

Can I break the bronco by then?  If not I'll wait until 3 months.  That means I am mentally ready to be depressed for 3 months.

It's good that the training doesn't start that soon.  I can then focus on recovery.

------------------------------

While we are talking about recovery, it is interesting to note that I need to maintain a certain level of sanity.  By now I can conclude that my insanity is chemically induced by nicotine among many other chemicals.

For the past 41 years, my dopamine is regulated by dope and cigarette.  Only now I am regulating it the natural way.

I need to dopamine fast starting today.

• No Nasi Lemak
• No TraXX
• No Tweeting Els
• No  contacting Pal
• No Nicorette

Like any form of fasting, the key is abstinence.

At the same time, I want to have sound mental health.

----------------------------------