Dear Els,
As mentioned, based on personal experience, it takes 18 days to deal with a dopamine void. Considering I was addicted to nicotine for 41 years, I would say that 18 days was considered a quick relief.
It was not an easy process to go through. The void leads to the root cause of my smoking in the first place. Although it was subliminal in nature, I came to the realization that smoking is my subconscious effort in dealing with a bigger void tha[t] (than) nicotine addiction.
The good news is, emotionally there is no bigger void tha[t] (than) the void I was trying to band-aid with nicotine. That's the reason why I cling to cigarettes for so long. For the longest time, cigarettes equal the feeling of being loved.
In dealing with the dopamine void, it was like breaking the bronco. It got worse before it got better. It's pretty much like the sake scene in the Last Samurai starring Tom Cruise. That 18 days were a journey to hell and back.
I got to deal with the Nico Demon who took up my voice of reason. As long as I persist, I will break the bronco eventually. That's what happened on day 18.
It is the same method to break any form of addictions. You must take the ride to the very end. Only when you reach the pit, it will turn back and move to the other direction.
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I read the book, Meet Your Happy Chemicals: Dopamine, Endorphine, Oxytocin, and Serotonin by Loretta Graziano Breuning, Ph.D. According to her, it takes 45 days to build on a new neuron pathway.
So here is my thinking. If you are a bad addiction, I want to break away from you since I know I [] (can) do so within 18 days. However, if you are an empowering habit, I want to reinforce that for the next 45 days.
The choice is to forgo you if you are a bad influence or to embrace you if you are a positive force in my life.
Notice, that I am dealing with a real risk (which I can mitigate in 18 days) or a real gain (which I can harness in 45 days).
At this point, I cannot afford to take a risk. Anytime there is a risk, there is a dopamine void. One void can create a domino effect and soon I will have multiple voids (i.e. depression, agitation, sleepiness, insomnia, etc. All of which I actually experienced).
Therefore the easy way is to cut you off 12 days from now (my last contact with you was 6 days ago). My issue is not that I cannot do it. I might make a wrong decision and lose you indefinitely.
The only way for me to justify my decision to hang around with you is by making a positive assumption that you love me and want to be with me. Is that a crazy thing to do or what?
I leave it up to you to decide. We have 45 days to build on this new pathway. I cannot afford to play a guessing game. Where I am going I need total commitment.
There is plenty to do along the way. To you, 10 years may seem like a long time. To me, the race is on and I am already past the flag-off point. All I care about is the voyage to KBOOOM 2041. I already explained that to you. Songkhla 2030 is just the midpoint.
Love you always.
Sine Cera,
17/9/20
OK baby, I think we should build on the new happiness pathway for the next 45 days. I emailed you regarding my thoughts. Here is your lullaby tonight: youtube.com/watch?v=J2u3i2 Goodnight honey, I love you so much.
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