As far as I can remember, I am a dreamer.
Why am I having all these thoughts?
I don't need to psychoanalyze myself.
I was badly hurt as a child. I was void of love. That's my story.
Even now I am void of love.
That's why I cling to Els although she treats me like dirt.
I don't need to make a lot of money. I make some. Just enough to pay for the income tax and maybe save some for myself.
I say set aside RM150 k for tax and another RM350 k for my retirement. That means I need to earn RM500 k.
That should be my immediate goal.
Songkhla 2030 is only possible if Pal is successful. By the look of things, even he is struggling.
So the best is for me to follow my original flight path.
I stay as a Domestic Rat.
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You know what Sarah, this is the real satori. I am waking up from 41 years of nicotine lullaby. This is what it really is.
Els is a waste of time. Pal is uncertain about his fate. Songkhla 2030 is a nice fantasy.
I am waking up alright.
I am waking up to the fact that nobody is going to save me except Lizzie and the kids. Even I cannot save myself.
I was banging on Pal to take me to my promised land. The truth is, even he cannot save himself.
He cannot even provide me with an RM3 k a month break. What makes him able to give me an RM1 million break?
That is the real satori, Sarah.
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Of course, I can always go back to the nicotine lullaby. I can continue living in a make-believe world. However, who am I kidding? Where I am going to get RM500 k? Let alone RM1 million for Songkhla 2030?
It is possible that I can make some money through Pal. However, based on my character assessment, I think Pal is full of shit,
I have nothing except you and my family.
I cannot say I have Els. She is not reciprocating. I cannot be making assumptions.
I decided to drop her 11/9/20. This is the rationalization.
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So tonight I drop Els and Pal. As for Coursera, I continue with the 2 courses and come out with the course material.
The book will be something I write at leisure.
I think I wasted time and money on Pal.
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Let's set a timeline. If I cannot deliver any PENJANA courses by December, I might as well focus on selling my own Mental Health course.
In a way, this slump with LEC is good. I hate doing the training. All I want is to be free. I want to be healthy and happy.
So let me keep riding the bronco. If it takes 3 months to break it, I'll do it.
I am a real cowboy. I need to get back my personal control after 41 years.
What are 14 weeks? 3 months even.
While I am dealing with my own inner demon, I will keep getting flashbacks about my failures in life. All those are Nico Demon's tactics to get me to continue taking nicotine.
What if I classify nicotine the same as heroin? Will I relapse and continue taking it? No way. Nicotine it the top 5 most addictive drugs in whatever form. So say no to nicotine.
I remember asking BJ if he ever quit dope. He said life will be meaningless. At that point, I realized that he is a confirmed pothead.
I don't have that many issues with life. However, I believe my most serious issue is nicotine. Dope I can quit. Cunts I can quit.
I need to stabilize my dopamine if I want to be thin and fast.
Forget about money. I don't have a money issue. I got plenty of reserves if I don't spend it.
Yeah, I am not lavish but as far as I am concerned, I [should] should not worry about money.
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What do I really want Sarah? I want to be free and I want to be happy, I can look at making money. But is that making me happy?
I am happy if I train 2 days a month and earn RM3 k from that.
This idea of training 10 days a month is not something I enjoy thinking about.
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I think I have to decide what I want to do with my life. Basically, I want time affluence. I don't mind not having much money.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am no lame duck. If there is an opportunity to train 10 days a month, I'll do it. The proceeds will then go to Songkhla 2030. However, I am not putting high hopes on Pal and his company. I don't want to be having wishful thinking.
I had accepted me the way I am. I don't have to be somebody that I am not.
As it is, I am struggling with my negative emotions since I quit nicotine. As if nicotine is the feel-good band-aid all the while.
Now, without the band-aid, there is no more smokescreen. Three things are certain:
- Drop Els, she is nonreciprocating
- Drop Pal, he is full of shit
- Drop Songkhla 2030, it is just a fantasy
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Now Sarah, do you want me to be a person with a wooden heart, or do you want me to have a heart of gold?
All these are the products of 14 Days without nicotine. It is grim alright. The point is, WILL MY MOOD IMPROVE?
If by the end of the year I am still fat and depressed, I might go back to Nicorette.
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