When I don't take Nicorette, I [] (am) less flourishing. I am not overly happy.
In a way, I am more stable emotionally.
For sure I need to break this addiction. I am more level-headed without Nicorette.
The setback is I am also feeling depressed.
In this case, not only I have to fight the highs but most importantly the lows.
These lows make me feel unloved. This is not my normal feeling. My emotion had been hijacked by low dopamine. That is why I need to get off paliperidone. It is a dopamine antagonist.
I have to put up a serious battle against depression.
So the real issue is LOW DOPAMINE.
It is the 8th day. I hope this is a temporary setback.
I'll try taking Lithium Carbonate as per the prescription within these next few weeks. Hopefully, it will stabilize my mood.
-----------------------------
Rather than focusing on the Nicorette, I should be focusing on increasing my dopamine or serotonin even.
Either we focus on all these or we focus on breaking the bronco.
I don't really know, but personally, I don't feel there is anything special about being Bipolar. It is a mental illness because I was under a lot of pressure.
What about me? Am I still a special person?
I think I am a very lucky person. What constitutes luck then? It has to do with the Force, Path, and Flow. Hence, timing is everything.
I am already feeling sleepy all over again.
I better adjourn to the bedroom.
Later Sarah.
--------------------------------
Sunday, 6 September 2020
6/9/20 ^^^Another sleepy afternoon
I hope my Nicorette withdrawal will be over by today.
I purposely did not chew any sugarless gum because I want for my body's own dopamine regulator to function on its own again.
----------------------
I am not entirely off the hook yet but I certainly am not going to forgo of my grip on the bronco. I will ride it until I break it. Today is only the 8th day.
Already the voice of Nico Demon is fading away.
This is the last bit of nicotine dependency I am having. Soon I will not be salivating when I think of Nicorette.
As long as I still crave nicotine, I am one puff away from smoking cigarettes.
------------------------
I purposely did not chew any sugarless gum because I want for my body's own dopamine regulator to function on its own again.
----------------------
I am not entirely off the hook yet but I certainly am not going to forgo of my grip on the bronco. I will ride it until I break it. Today is only the 8th day.
Already the voice of Nico Demon is fading away.
This is the last bit of nicotine dependency I am having. Soon I will not be salivating when I think of Nicorette.
As long as I still crave nicotine, I am one puff away from smoking cigarettes.
------------------------
6/9/20 ^^^8th day no Nicorette
I am beginning to have control over Nicorette.
I still feel depressed but I am not craving for Nicotine. That is a good sign.
I will tame this bronco by 15/9/20.
There is a void inside me. If I want to [] (tame) the bronco, I need to endure depression for 2 weeks.
I feel good breaking some sweat just now. However, I feel the void inside me. It is some kind of sadness and yearning to be happy at the same time.
Since I quit Nicorette, I feel that my life is pretty surreal. Even Coursera seems pretty surreal.
I feel like I am in a dream and I am missing the company of nicotine.
That's how bad nicotine is in influencing my dopamine surge. I don't want to induce dopamine in other ways although I am tempted to drink 3-in-1 coffee to offset the melancholy.
I figured that what I am missing is love. If I have enough love, I don't have to get that feeling from substance abuse.
This nicotine addiction goes very deep. Albeit cigarettes or Nicorette, these are band-aids to deal with the emotional void. A well-loved person doesn't need a crutch. That is why I am not substituting my emotional void with any alternative.
When I quit cigarettes, I need to deal with depression as well. All I did was differing it. So now, one year later, I still have to walk the path.
NO CRUTCH. Maybe what I'll do is eat crackers with peanut butter.
-------------------------
I should have dealt with the void one year ago when I quit cigarettes. Now, this is no longer an option. I have to deal with the void head-on.
Peanut butter is good at inducing dopamine. Already I feel better.
Everything is a mess within my nervous system. Insulin and dopamine are probably the two chemicals that affect my mood the most.
-----------------------------
I still feel depressed but I am not craving for Nicotine. That is a good sign.
I will tame this bronco by 15/9/20.
There is a void inside me. If I want to [] (tame) the bronco, I need to endure depression for 2 weeks.
I feel good breaking some sweat just now. However, I feel the void inside me. It is some kind of sadness and yearning to be happy at the same time.
Since I quit Nicorette, I feel that my life is pretty surreal. Even Coursera seems pretty surreal.
I feel like I am in a dream and I am missing the company of nicotine.
That's how bad nicotine is in influencing my dopamine surge. I don't want to induce dopamine in other ways although I am tempted to drink 3-in-1 coffee to offset the melancholy.
I figured that what I am missing is love. If I have enough love, I don't have to get that feeling from substance abuse.
This nicotine addiction goes very deep. Albeit cigarettes or Nicorette, these are band-aids to deal with the emotional void. A well-loved person doesn't need a crutch. That is why I am not substituting my emotional void with any alternative.
When I quit cigarettes, I need to deal with depression as well. All I did was differing it. So now, one year later, I still have to walk the path.
NO CRUTCH. Maybe what I'll do is eat crackers with peanut butter.
-------------------------
I should have dealt with the void one year ago when I quit cigarettes. Now, this is no longer an option. I have to deal with the void head-on.
Peanut butter is good at inducing dopamine. Already I feel better.
Everything is a mess within my nervous system. Insulin and dopamine are probably the two chemicals that affect my mood the most.
-----------------------------
Saturday, 5 September 2020
>>>#6/9/20 The craving is almost gone
No more salivating although drinking tea did trigger the desire for the gum.
I have to pinch and remind myself that I am already on the Songkhla 2030 journey.
What is the journey worth to me? Minimum RM1 million. What is the journey worth if I don't start on it? Zero.
I have to make it happen.
------------------------
Sarah, I am pretty excited about it. However, things are not happening as fast from [] (Pal's) side.
I hope to see some actions before the end of the month.
OK baby, I have to do house chores. I'll talk to you later.
Later hon...
----------------------------
I have to pinch and remind myself that I am already on the Songkhla 2030 journey.
What is the journey worth to me? Minimum RM1 million. What is the journey worth if I don't start on it? Zero.
I have to make it happen.
------------------------
Sarah, I am pretty excited about it. However, things are not happening as fast from [] (Pal's) side.
I hope to see some actions before the end of the month.
OK baby, I have to do house chores. I'll talk to you later.
Later hon...
----------------------------
5/9/20 ***Post Birthday dinner
I had my birthday dinner tonight:
I think we already *[] (have) water back in our house.
* That is a great relief. Unfortunately, the next-door house will go through a 6 months renovation. I probably have to deal with deafening noises for that long.
I'm sleepy. I think I better sleep now.
Goodnight baby. I love you so much.
------------------------------
5/9/20 ^^^The urge for nicotine has subsided
Today is the 7th day I quit Nicorette. Time flies. The cessation is not that bad at all except that I am always hungry.
This is me breaking the bronco.
I had been chewing the sugarless gum like nobody's business though.
----------------------------
Let's do this step by step:
This is me breaking the bronco.
I had been chewing the sugarless gum like nobody's business though.
----------------------------
Let's do this step by step:
- In mania, I have illusions and delusions.
- My thoughts were distorted and my judgment got effected
- Once I quit cigarettes, I no longer experience mania and racy thoughts
- Nevertheless, I am never off from nicotine as long as I chew Nicorette
- To quit Nicorette I got to break the bronco for 2 weeks
- Once I quit Nicorette, I can start back to focus on thin and fast.
----------------------------
>>>#5/9/20 It's a cold morning
It's a cold morning. I got to wake up because I need to take a leak.
These few days had been a discomfort. I was under the weather *with[] (without) Nicorette.
* I think I am over the slump now.
Let's see if I am inspired to write to Els.
My darling Els,
I really enjoyed your company last night. I got my cup filled to the brim.
Just when I thought we had hit rock bottom, you came shining through. Do you think our relationship will endure honey?
I want it to last forever. However, it is up to you really. Are you the committed type or you are just jinak merpati (pigeon tame)?
Jinak merpati makan ditangan;
Dipanggil mari, ditangkap lari.
Pigeon tame eats from the palm;
Call it comes, catch it will flee.
By now you should realize that I am here for the long haul.
I want Songkhla 2030 to happen. The only way it doesn't happen is if you don't want it to happen. Otherwise, I am focusing my efforts to make it into a reality.
One other remote possibility is I cannot deliver 10 days a month of training. That is quite remote. If it happens in that manner then business must be really bad.
Els honey, let's proceed with the journey and enjoy the scenery along the way. This is a slow and steady climb. Have faith that we will get there.
What matters is for you to know that I care for you and I want you to be happy.
If I want to account for all the possible failures, there are plenty of red flags I have to consider. However, I love you so much and I want this to be a success. Therefore there is no other way around it. For the next 10 years, I need to focus on my deliverables.
I don't have any issue with working at leisure and save 2/3 of my earning for the cause. What bugs me is not knowing if you stand by me. Also, I don't know how long will the effect of the pandemic be. Based on Pal's business forecast, things look promising. But then, that is just a forecast.
To put it into perspective, I am at point zero right now. I am neither in debt nor I am earning. I didn't plan for all these. I thought when I retire, I will quietly enjoy my retirement and live happily ever after. Now it is *[about] no longer the case. I got to move North.
* If I understand this, Sarah, you are saying that it is still about living happily ever after.
This is a team effort. Songkhla 2030 is a midpoint. From there we have another 10 years to go. So it is very important that we align our financial goals towards *w[an]t (what) you deem as Ikigai.
* Alright Sarah. This is known as the Hoshin Plan. We align everybody from top to bottom. It will be a collective effort.
Of course, it will be nice to inherit wealth or marry into it. I am neither rich nor famous. However, I have specialized knowledge and the ability to communicate it. That qualifies me as a person with Unlimited Power - Anthony Robbins, Unlimited Power.
This is not about me wanting to get laid either. I can do that at a fraction of the cost and with wider options. You must understand honey, I am trying my best to keep the flock together. If I cannot change the world, suffice I am only accountable for those whom I care for.
I feel that if we can plan for 20 years (*a[s] (at) least for me), then I can cruise while I Ikigai from that point on. I have no intention to retire. Once you retire, you are Pencen Tunggu Mati (Pension Waiting for Death).
* Righto Sarah. I think Els is on the same page with this one. At least I confirm hearing her twice saying that she is the type that enjoys working.
---------------------
Hey, the banner for the podcast and webinar is ready:
Basically, time will flow and I will follow. The plan had already been set. Now is to let nature takes its course.
Love you always.
Sine Cera,
5/9/20
These few days had been a discomfort. I was under the weather *with[] (without) Nicorette.
* I think I am over the slump now.
Let's see if I am inspired to write to Els.
My darling Els,
I really enjoyed your company last night. I got my cup filled to the brim.
Just when I thought we had hit rock bottom, you came shining through. Do you think our relationship will endure honey?
I want it to last forever. However, it is up to you really. Are you the committed type or you are just jinak merpati (pigeon tame)?
Jinak merpati makan ditangan;
Dipanggil mari, ditangkap lari.
Pigeon tame eats from the palm;
Call it comes, catch it will flee.
By now you should realize that I am here for the long haul.
I want Songkhla 2030 to happen. The only way it doesn't happen is if you don't want it to happen. Otherwise, I am focusing my efforts to make it into a reality.
One other remote possibility is I cannot deliver 10 days a month of training. That is quite remote. If it happens in that manner then business must be really bad.
Els honey, let's proceed with the journey and enjoy the scenery along the way. This is a slow and steady climb. Have faith that we will get there.
What matters is for you to know that I care for you and I want you to be happy.
If I want to account for all the possible failures, there are plenty of red flags I have to consider. However, I love you so much and I want this to be a success. Therefore there is no other way around it. For the next 10 years, I need to focus on my deliverables.
I don't have any issue with working at leisure and save 2/3 of my earning for the cause. What bugs me is not knowing if you stand by me. Also, I don't know how long will the effect of the pandemic be. Based on Pal's business forecast, things look promising. But then, that is just a forecast.
To put it into perspective, I am at point zero right now. I am neither in debt nor I am earning. I didn't plan for all these. I thought when I retire, I will quietly enjoy my retirement and live happily ever after. Now it is *[about] no longer the case. I got to move North.
* If I understand this, Sarah, you are saying that it is still about living happily ever after.
This is a team effort. Songkhla 2030 is a midpoint. From there we have another 10 years to go. So it is very important that we align our financial goals towards *w[an]t (what) you deem as Ikigai.
* Alright Sarah. This is known as the Hoshin Plan. We align everybody from top to bottom. It will be a collective effort.
Of course, it will be nice to inherit wealth or marry into it. I am neither rich nor famous. However, I have specialized knowledge and the ability to communicate it. That qualifies me as a person with Unlimited Power - Anthony Robbins, Unlimited Power.
This is not about me wanting to get laid either. I can do that at a fraction of the cost and with wider options. You must understand honey, I am trying my best to keep the flock together. If I cannot change the world, suffice I am only accountable for those whom I care for.
I feel that if we can plan for 20 years (*a[s] (at) least for me), then I can cruise while I Ikigai from that point on. I have no intention to retire. Once you retire, you are Pencen Tunggu Mati (Pension Waiting for Death).
* Righto Sarah. I think Els is on the same page with this one. At least I confirm hearing her twice saying that she is the type that enjoys working.
---------------------
Hey, the banner for the podcast and webinar is ready:
Basically, time will flow and I will follow. The plan had already been set. Now is to let nature takes its course.
Love you always.
Sine Cera,
5/9/20
Ah... No water day. I decided to spend time writing an email instead of fretting. Today I am in the mood for youtube.com/watch?v=WbSxzq The bass guitar in this song is really wicked.
----------------------------------------
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