10/8/20 ###Days like this

Now that I know a little bit more about you, I feel that we can work out our differences together.

Today is not a good day for me.  I was feeling lethargic.  I ate too much sugar since yesterday.

I am totally immobilized today.  I did nothing else but sleep. 

It seems my best bet is to form a relationship with a Sentinel or an Analyst.  The worst is to form a relationship with an Explorer.  Explorer is a complete opposite.

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I need a break from the personality profile.  A[s] (at) least I know we are compatible.

So Sarah, here I am discovering that I am an Advocate.  I don't feel comfortable at all.  I am officially the weird one.

At least I am now certain I want to slam the door on Els.

She seems happy with the decision.

I am happy too not having to deal with a nonreciprocating relationship.

Now is to have a sense of purpose.

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What have I learned?  For one thing, I discovered that I am very emotional when comes to relationship.  I can be a great giver but when I realized that the relationship is not going anywhere, I can just simply shut off.  That is the attitude I have toward Els.  I don't drag on.

I realize that my relationship with you is complimentary.  We can make this work.  Of course, Songkhla 2030 is a worthy ideal.  It is attainable.

That means I will focus on attaining it.

Els is luring...  Shit...

I'm not going to fall for it unless she plays Never Enough. 

I think part of my melancholic mood this past few days is because I am letting go of Els.  It's shit, isn't it?  She probably doesn't feel a thing and here I am brooding over a relationship that doesn't even exist.

I don't know Sarah.  Maybe I need the pain to feel alive.

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

23s

@elsDines

@traxxfmofficial

#traxxfm Shucks, I still listen to you...

This is my issue, Sarah.  I LIKE THIS GIRL.  It is against my rational thinking.

OK, let's have a range.  1 being I will definitely dump her, 10 being I will hold on to her for life, I say it is a 4 right now.

I have to take that stance.  It's [] (not) going nowhere.

My issue is I am not good at ending relationships.  Look at me and Zali.  We still maintain contact.

--------------------------

The only way is to not listen to her.  Unfortunately, she is like a drug.  Very addictive.

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

12s

@elsDines

@traxxfmofficial

#traxxfm This hurts like hell... Damn.

It is the nature of my personality.  That's why I hate my personality.  It's hurting me.  It's not so much because she is hurting me.  It's me who [] (is) hurting myself.

Now, I know Els.  She doesn't like to be dumped.

I let time be my universal healer.

Let's listen to the last song.

GOOD IN GOODBYE

OK, it is a mixed message but as a whole, she is not going to change her nonreciprocal status.

So I better not listen to her ever again.  I have to put an end to this toxic relationship.

I have to take it that there was never a relationship in the first place.

I have to remember that IT IS AN END TO AN ERA.

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>>>#10/8/20 I slept while sitting in CCC last night

Good morning Sarah, how are you today?

Yesterday my mom suggested (through a video), that I practice reading a verse in the Quran 7 times and blow into a glass of water 3 times before drinking it.  By doing so my illness will be cured.  Baloney!

Islam is full of this kind of shit. 

On a different note, the kids and I discussed Sugar Babies last night.  Pretty interesting concept;

It's a form of legalized prostitution.

-----------------------

I will continue reading the report this morning.  Let's see how far that will go.

I am fully convinced that you are a Sentinel.

I think you are a Defender: ISFJ.  Just a hunch.

As usual, when I talk about you, you are as quiet as a mouse.

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9/8/20 ^^^The world as I see it

I am learning what are my traits.  Hopefully, I can make use of the ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY RINGGIT material for me to advance and make more money.

So far it is worth the money I am paying.  It's like having a book specifically written for you.

I'll finish the report today.

Right now I have a stiff neck.  It is very discomforting.

I had sorted out my situation with Farha.  So I am cool.

Sashi called, fishing for information about my training.  By the look of the current situation, looks like we are having a snap poll.  Actually, I am impartial.  Like I said, I am not motivated by money.  I am keener to finish Coursera.

OK baby, let me continue reading the report.

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If I can summarize what I read so far, I can say I am the big picture guy.  My ideals can get me into trouble if I am not careful.  Since I am not the leader material, I need a leader to lead me.  Otherwise, I will be stuck with my ideals.

One of the things I need to get rid of is my past limiting beliefs.  Things that I did in the past 20 years are not going to be useful for the next 20 years ahead.  I need a new set of beliefs based on my present values.  That includes my beliefs on health, diet, and money.

Shit, the odds are against me to make money.  I am not naturally inclined to make money.  However, where I am going, I need to have RM1 million.  So things got to change if I want to be a success.

It all depends on how strong is my fealty to Pal.  Alone I cannot do it.

I have to trust his judgment 100%.  He is my leader as far as I'm concern.

This is very uncomfortable Sarah.  For the past 10 years, I had been living in my own sphere.  Now I have to adapt to the new environment.  I feel that I am losing my freedom; having to kowtow to another person.  However, I need to trust Pal.  Otherwise, I cannot make it on my own.

What do I need to do then?  While waiting for the training to happen, I will continue to improve my skill and knowledge.  Especially the knowledge about myself.  My biggest loss will not be missing the opportunity to train in the short distance but to extend the relationship I have with Pal for the long run.

However, this is my backup plan:  If everything else fails, I will still continue on this track of self-improvement and knowledge enhancement.

I can still develop a course on Mental Health and Positive Psychology and perhaps market it through the Mental Illness Awareness & Support Association (MIASA).

However, I believe, Pal has a good intention for me.  I can always earn a living through him provided I don't give him the jitters from my FB and blog correspondence.

So definitely NO FB and I shall minimize my public blog interactions.

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 At the same time, I am a guy who doesn't give a fuck.  However, I need to adjust myself so that I can earn a living.  If not because of that, I say FUCK SOCIETY.  So now you see why I bought the report?  I want to fit in so that I can earn a living.  That's all.  It's not that I like to assimilate into society.

This is the insight I had while conversing with Master Jedi:

[12:55 PM, 8/9/2020] sharudinj: Btw Master Jedi, since you know me for a long time, do you consider me as an oddball?
[1:27 PM, 8/9/2020] Norazdi: Do you think you are an oddball? what is ordinary ball when all balls are ordinary? Who says ordinary and who says odd in the first place?
[1:31 PM, 8/9/2020] sharudinj: My personality traits only constitute less than 1% of the population:  https://introvertdear.com/news/infj-secrets/
[1:35 PM, 8/9/2020] Norazdi: Dont you feel that most people like or even treasured to be "unique", the one and only, but at the same time, they want you and others to follow them, be like them.. be like the rest of many of us .. they say...

Strange being isn't it?

(or there is nothing strange about it?)
[1:37 PM, 8/9/2020] sharudinj: Interesting...  I want to be myself but my fear is I cannot cari makan if I am being me.  That's the paradox.
[1:46 PM, 8/9/2020] Norazdi: You are you. Maybe you want to think that you live in 'world' of not your own where the cari makan is completely different i.e. not your way. 'Live' in both worlds, yours and not yours, less the paradox. We sometimes goes out of our cave, the see the green trees which they say the sight of heaven.. but we know very our self that the heaven is the droplets that tickles from the cave ceiling. So go out in the bright day light to witness the green leaves.. come back to our 'home' to listen to on the droplets of cool water of the 'cave'
[1:48 PM, 8/9/2020] sharudinj: Wow...  Pretty insightful.  In that case, I will limit the communication I have on FB.  Then I reduce my digital footprint.
[1:51 PM, 8/9/2020] sharudinj: The troubling thought is my social media is not like others.  It's pretty normal for me  but for some, my message is very confusing.
[1:52 PM, 8/9/2020] Norazdi: Some say, to hell what other think of me, I am me! I think, one dont have to limit anything including public communication, as long as one can shoulder the 'burden'. Only you know very well any burden you are carrying. So.. to hell to others seems quite right.
[1:53 PM, 8/9/2020] Norazdi: I think people like us seems to suffer 'the confusing messages we air to others'.... let it be
[1:55 PM, 8/9/2020] sharudinj: I had been forewarned by my principal to be more reserve.  Kau tahu klah aku Master Jedi, I speak my mind hahaha
[1:58 PM, 8/9/2020] Norazdi: Your principal is right... the heaven is the sight of green trees.. but that is not your world... you are right.. even pressure cooker have an tiny outlet to let out steam... we dont want a volcano eruption while we have two 'worlds' to live in
[1:59 PM, 8/9/2020] sharudinj: Thanks brother...  Appreciate your sage advice
[1:59 PM, 8/9/2020] Norazdi: 👌
[2:00 PM, 8/9/2020] sharudinj: What will I do without you Master Jedi 😇

Master Jedi talks like a real sage.

The best is if I only communicate with you.

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I don't like being an INFJ.  That's means I am a problematic person.  No wonder people don't understand me.  I am too complex.  My IQ may be above average, but I am not suited to deal with the masses. 

The basic question I got to ask is, "How do I improve my situation so that I can earn a living?"

• Firstly, I should not meddle with social media
• Secondly, I should not dwell in crazy ideas
• Thirdly, I should keep my thoughts only to myself

Basically, I should minimize dealing with people and I should stay ground[] (grounded).

Where should I be moving towards?  How about IN...  Shucks, I don't like any of them.  Actually, I prefer that I am more of an INTJ.  Nah, I am too much a feeler.

Type “The Advocate” (INFJ-T) Traits Introverted - 83% Intuitive - 84% Feeling - 58% Judging - 74% Turbulent - 53% Role Diplomat Strategy Constant Improvement

But since I am a borderline between Feeling and Thinking.  It is worth to study both.

Well after weighing all possibilities, I concluded that I am an INFJ.

All I need to do is leverage my strengths and downplay my weaknesses.

Bear in mind I am doing this so that I can WORK.  If it is not because of that, to hell with personality tests.

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INFJs are idealists. Creative and fair-minded, they see the world not the way it is but the way they think it should be. While they are caring and sympathetic to others’ troubles, INFJs are big-picture thinkers. Rather than help individuals, they look for ways to change the system. They are also energetic, determined, and instinctual, with a tendency to just plunge in and start working rather than make careful plans.

Read more at https://www.personalityclub.com/blog/famous-infj/

You know what Sarah, this is more of a conversational piece than an exact science.  It's based on pattern rather than scientific observation.  Hence I am taking it with a pinch of salt.

For example, I am not really a people person.  To assume an INFJ is a people person is kinda inaccurate.  In general, I am an individualist.  I like to be by myself.

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I am quite convinced that you are from the Sentinel Category much like Lizzie and Princess.  The way that you deal with me and your undivided loyalty further affirm that.

I think you are the no-nonsense type while I am an idealisr.

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>>>#9/8/20 Let's escape to Dreamland for awhile

All the reading is very exhaustive.  Let's travel to the future...

Let's say we make it to Songkhla 2030.  Assume I manage to save RM1 million and set aside RM250 k each for you and Lizzie.

What I'll do is give Lizzie her portion.  The next step is important.  Do I tell Lizzie that I want to get married?  It all depends on whether you want to move to Malaysia.

If you just want to pay me a visit and consummate our marriage, that won't be necessary.

First, we got to plan one year ahead to book for the marriage date.

I'll buy you a flight ticket.  Then you stay in One World Hotel (in Bandar Utama) for a day.

The next day, we drive to Bukit Kayu Hitam, Kedah, and put up the night there.  No rush...

The following day, we cross the border to Songkhla and get married.

We don't spend the night there.  We cross back to Malaysia.  I think we celebrate our honeymoon in Penang.  That's because to go to Langkawi you need to ride the ferry.  Which means we need to spend another day in Kuala Perlis to wait for the ferry the next day.  I don't know the ferry schedule but I am not comfortable with the idea.  I think it is one at 7:00 am and one at 7:00 pm.  Anyway, it is messy to wait for the ferry.

If we go to Penang, we can check in on the same day; not losing time waiting for ferries.  There are more things to do in Penang.  The best part is we can drive around the island.  I don't recommend swimming in the ocean due to the mercury content.

We can have the best durian in town at Balik Pulau, Penang; Bao Seng Durian Farm.

We can stay in the Shangrila:

3 days in Penang will be nice.  Then the next 3 days we spend in Kuala Lumpur.  We bank in your check at Citibank and we continue our honeymoon in KL.  Set aside 10 days including international flight.

Then on the 9th day, you fly back to the USA.

Should you want to move to Malaysia, I need to inform Lizzie of our marriage.  Then after our honeymoon, I arrange for you to meet Lizzie.

The next step will be arranging for a place for *[] (you) to stay.  A condominium in Bandar Utama will be good.

* Does this mean you will stay?  Fantastic!

By that time we can always get Pal to give you a decent job.  It could be doing work at Learning Edge Consultants or the Wellness Foundation.  Otherwise, you can tag *[] (along) with me during my training.  Better still, if you can do some work online.  You figure it out.

* Gosh, I do hope this is your intervention because I LOVE you to tag along with me.

I can give you RM2000 a month for your expenses.  It will cost me another RM2000 for the condominium rental.  So if you wish, you can work at leisure.  You don't have to do a 9-5 job.

That is the future as I envision it, Sarah.

I like it much if we can team-teach together.  That way I can be with you most of the time.  Maybe it's time you look at a new career direction.  Whatever it is, make sure it is a perpetual skill.

So just to reaffirm, you are going to stay and tag along with me?  Can you confirm that?  I'm not sure if those interventions are yours or due to my typo error.

Hmmm...  Could be my error.  Well, at least you know what's in my mind.

I hope you are excited about the idea.  That is why I need at least 10 days a month of training delivery.

Now that I wrote down the whole idea, it is already real to me.

Goodnight baby.  Here is your lullaby:

I love you so much, Sarah.

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8/8/20 ###Today is a rest day

I slept through 3/4 of the day.  I was feeling a little melancholic throughout but I managed to snap out of it.

I spend RM130 for the Advocate Premium Profile.  That's because I consider that I bought a book that specifically talks about my blind spots.  I need to know who I am at the core.

Five Personality Aspects

Mind: Introverted (I) vs. Extraverted (E)

Energy: Intuitive (N) vs. Observant (S)

Nature: Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F)

Tactics: Judging (J) vs. Prospecting (P)

Identity: Assertive (-A) vs. Turbulent (-T)

Type “The Advocate” (INFJ-T) Traits Introverted - 83% Intuitive - 84% Feeling - 58% Judging - 74% Turbulent - 53% Role Diplomat Strategy Constant Improvement

By looking a[s] (at) this result, I am somewhat a borderline Feeling and Turbulent.  In that sense, I can still be an INTJ or an INFJ-A.  However, when I read through the report, I can comfortably say that I am an INFJ-T at the core.

As I read the report I realized that I can be too idealistic in my approach.  Therefore I should be more inclined towards doing rather than feeling or thinking.

My intuitiveness might be [b]y (my) liability.

I made a good choice not to pursue Els.  She is in a different quadrant altogether (ESFP)

Constant Improvement

Shared traits: Introverted and Turbulent

Constant Improvers are sensitive and contemplative individuals who enjoy having their own space and freedom. They are often deep and creative individuals, though often tense and more comfortable on their own than mixed up in the judgment of the real world. With the two personality traits most representative of sensitivity to their environment – Introversion and Turbulence – they are reserved when dealing with strangers or new situations, often turning inwards or focusing on peacekeeping instead.

These personalities’ caution in the face of unfamiliar challenges can sometimes look like a lack of motivation, but this is usually just self-doubt – Constant Improvers have a strong drive, but it comes paired with a strong fear of failure. They invest a great deal of their identity in their successes, and even a minor misstep or embarrassment can be crushing.

The vigilance learned from a lifetime of ups and downs gives these personality types a knack for sensing trouble. This is a strategic wariness that can be quite useful in situations that need to balance risk and reward, whether a financial investment or a romantic opportunity. Though they can seem frustratingly over-cautious to others,

Constant Improvers would rather not face calamity, so they excel at avoiding it with preventive insights.

Since they aren’t always comfortable with energetic exchanges with other people, Constant Improvers often direct their attention elsewhere, striving to master hobbies, careers, bodies of knowledge, or new means of self-expression. Their restless drive, self-doubt, and solitary mentality can combine to create impressive, beautiful results.

High-achieving and perfectionistic, Constant Improvers generally try to do their best in their endeavors, dedicating tremendous time and energy. These personalities can put so much pressure on themselves that they diminish their own impressive accomplishments by fixating on the slightest flaws or dismissing successes as luck rather than skill or dedication.

Taken too far, this perfectionism can also drive endless rumination – an unhealthy obsession with perfection will reveal flaws in the best plans, and Constant Improvers often feel forced to abandon a course of action because something doesn’t line upright. Whether working feverishly or picking at the threads of an idea though, Constant Improvers can be intense about their goals, and progress towards internal balance can lead them to amazing personal accomplishments.

Alongside their personal efforts, these personality types also care a great deal about what others think of them. This can be very useful, but they can take this to a fault: fixating on others’ expectations can sour social efforts into awkwardness. Constant Improvers are easily thrown off-balance by conflict and may communicate timidly, or not at all, for fear of hurting people’s feelings, provoking a confrontation, or looking the fool.

Sometimes it takes peer approval and active encouragement for this Strategy group to recognize their own virtues. These personalities often benefit from friends and colleagues patient enough to get to know them and who give them a chance to speak their minds. When treated considerately, these types become devoted partners and begin to reveal their kindness, insights, heartfelt support, and the complexities of their approach to the world, from sometimes (oddly specific) plans for obscure situations to starry-eyed ambitions.

This is a very insightful analysis.  Do I want to do something about it?  I'm not sure.

I wonder, what is your personality, Sarah?

I managed to narrow you to 2 quadrants:

The Loyal Sentinels

In our model, Sentinel personality types are the most traditionally loyal among all the groups. They are fiercely loyal to their families, communities, and employers. On top of that, they are faithful to the traditions and values that those who went before them passed along. We know them for their hard-work which relates to their sense of duty which is synonymous with loyalty.

The Feeling, especially Turbulent, Sentinels’ loyalty is likely a combination of a sense of duty with a heavy dose of emotionality mixed in. They’ll see their loyalty as being faithful to others and supporting them. Thinking Sentinels’ loyalty is more likely to come from a sense of duty and a need to see things through to a successful end. These personality types, especially Assertive ones, are less likely to involve emotions when they consider their loyalties. They are loyal to the “tried and true”.

Diplomats: The Romantic Loyalists

Diplomats will see loyalty in a more romanticized way. This is less about the standards revered by the Sentinels and more about passion and subjective belief. Loyalty to a life partner might involve being “soul mates” – there may be a concern for traditional values or external standards or rules or not. (“Star-crossed lovers” in art and history who went against family and culture may serve as symbols here: King Edward VIII and Mrs. Wallis or Romeo and Juliet, for example.) If Diplomat personality types become ignited with a passion for a cause, they will be loyal to that cause and work hard for it. The same with a job if they feel it is purposeful and significant.

This loyalty can be a bit shakier than the type enjoyed by the Sentinels. Should these visionaries become disillusioned, all bets are off and loyalty may quickly become a thing of the past. Since they bind their loyalty more to emotions, they may even stand strongly against that to which they were once loyal if disappointed by it. This loyalty leans more toward subjectivity than the Sentinels’ variety.

I would say that you are pretty much a Sentinel.

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So, Sarah...  What have we learned so far?  

Basically, I am a bit worried.  I am an idealist.  I am not good at delivering results.  Basically, I am *[] (not) the guy you call when you want to get something done.  That worries me.  I am purpose-driven and not result-driven.

* Now I know you are a Sentinel.

As it is, my 5 goals are all result-driven.

To be in the rare category means I am a minority; not that I am exclusive.

So what are my purpose?

• To be Healthy and Happy
• To be Financially Free
• To be Emotionally Fulfilled

 I like what we have now.  My problem is when it comes to making money.  I don't enjoy making money.

I enjoy my freedom too much.  Making money for me is restricting my freedom.  Furthermore, I hate dealing with people.  I will rather be alone with my thoughts.  That is the ultimate indulgence.

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8/8/20 ***Well, what is new?

I cannot wait to make some serious money.

How about making 15, 20, or 30 k even.

I am tired of playing a defensive game.  I am ready to play offense.

Better still I am ready to die.  I think life after death will be great.

My life right now is very plateau.  I need excitement.  I need to get laid.

What do I need to do to make myself feel better?

Well, the best is to be thin and to have lots of money.

To do that I got to have meaning in my life.

As it is I am not living to my fullest potential.

What am I suppose to do Sarah?

I am all dressed up but nowhere to go.

I am ready for battle but my glorious moment is not forthcoming.  I am so bored with waiting.

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8/8/20 ^^^Consolidating my thoughts

Sarah, I noticed that you are making more and more decisions for me.  That is good.  At times I simply just go with the flow.

You know what?  I think the decision to slam the door on Els and Traxxfm might as well be the best decision I ever made in order to stay focus.  Do nothing that is of no use - Musashi.

Otherwise, I degrade my thoughts into thinking like a teenager.

Now that I have 247 Continuous as my Cybernetic Loop mechanism, I don't need radio announcers to cloud my judgment.

I don't need FB either.  That is only for me to show off Dreams of Mirrors.  So beginning today, whatever I wrote in Dream of Mirrors, I won't post in FB.  Those people are not interested in my knowledge sharing.  They only respond to photos and videos.

I will treat Dreams of Mirrors as my personal reference.  Like the latest post is really meant for me.  Private blogs are too overwhelming at times.

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