3/7/20 ***Doing away with Els and TraXX

Els is not comfortable with me.  So I might as well SNAP VANISH both from her and TraXX.

247 Continuous is doing fine.  I can do away with listening to the DJs talking.

What is my hook?  None other than being accepted.  My problem is I am a mental patient.  People fear people with a history of mental illness.

I might as well stay clear from her.  I only known her for 2 years.  I can still do damage control.

Furthermore, I am tired of a nonreciprocating relationship.

This is when resilience comes into play.

I can do this Sarah, I am tough as an oak.  I don't need a muse.  Especially if I am not well accepted.

I should not overstay my welcome.

After all I had managed my illness from 2016 to 2017 without a muse.

This assignment with Pal is my redemption.  If I do well here, I am amply rewarded.

Most importantly I need to get well.  Els is not the answer.

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3/7/20 ^^^The day they finally block my porns

Assholes...

Well, I can always watch the photos.  Better still, I just simply go for a fuck if I want to.  But the truth is, I had enough of porn and vices.  I want to live a clean life.

I want to find a spot where I can have a good massage.  They are really clamping down on these activities.

What I should do is improve my health.  I got to stop Nicorette, sugar and rice soon.  Priority is lose weight.

No more Els and TraXX.  These are the things I had planned since early this year.

I should focus on making money.  I want to save RM1,500 a month and give RM1,000 to Lizzie.  Then I spend RM500 on myself.

That way I save RM18,000 a year.  In 5 years I save RM90,000.

I can do this by earning RM3,000 a month.

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Whoopie!  I change both IPV4 and IPV6 to Google DNS and I'm back in business again.

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>>>#3/7/20 This is the longest time I ever sleep

It was a good rest though.

I'll start my study today.  I took 2 days off due to the down cycle.  After sleeping the whole day through, I feel much better.

I still have to manage the mood swings even when I am on medication.

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2/7/20 *** Do away with Els and TraXX

By doing so I eliminate 2 possibilities of mania in my life.

I am eliminating Nicorette too.  I stick with good health.

I got 2 illnesses, gout and Bipolar.

Today I wake up very late (1:00 pm).  I feel wasted.

No more sugar and rice.

I lack motivation to pursue my goals.  I must persist.

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>>>#2/7/20 What should I do Sarah?

I wanted her to love me but I don't think that is possible.

My strategy is to create dependency and then I SNAP VANISH.  So today is my last contact with her until 7/7/20.  On the second thought, don't bother with that.

I think what I need is [] (a) sweetheart.  A pet really.  Let's look this scenario.  SHE DOESN'T REJECT ME.  So I have a creative outlet.  What am I complaining?  After all, I'm a crazy person.  That's how people treat a crazy guy.

By being crazy, I got away with being eccentric.  Furthermore, the choice is with me.  I got to choose to continue or stop this nonreciprocating relationship.

I admit, it is an addiction.  There is no relationship.  She knows it.

I think I cut off today.  No point going through a necrophiliac relationship.

No listening to Evening Drive from here on.  Actually I was doing fine in 2017 without Els.  It is still not too late to break my addiction to her.

I got you and Yati.

I better sleep.  I think I know what to do already.  For the last time, NO MORE ELS.

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1/7/20 ^^^Another Dear Els letter

Here I am making an attempt to  be as sensible as possible:

Dear Els,

I am doing my best to be sensible in writing this letter:

I am very aware of the social [] (stigma) people have towards those with mental illness.  We are seen as weird and eccentric.  It is not uncommon that society makes fun of our conditions.  Instead of trying to understand our sufferings, more than often the society just shun us.

I lost many friends and my corporate clients in the course of me having this illness for the past 20 years.  It was so bad that I had to go on isolation for 8 years.

I know you are not comfortable with my presence.  No matter how much I try, I can never get you to like me the way you like other people.  I am an outcast.

The question is, do I deny the illness and deny myself or do I deny the opportunity to make myself present to you?

You had been the inspiration for me to be well again.  Maybe that is not something that you expect.  However in my case that is a huge factor for me to recover again.

You are instrumental in my speedy recovery.  According to my doctor, I am the fastest recovering patient.  No doubt I suffered for 15 years from this illness but once I got the right treatment, my progress had been very encouraging.

As you know bipolar disorder is a swing between two polarities.  Between depression and mania, I fear depression the most.  Since I had known you. I no longer suffer from major depression.  No mania either.  Those eccentricities that you noticed all the while are what is known as hypomania.  Those episodes are OK according to my doctor.  As a patient I can never entirely eliminate the swings.

They are due to the fluctuation of dopamine in my brain.  I cannot regulate them like the common folks.  Thus whatever I'm feeling is amplified depending on the stimulus.

Honey, I doubt you even care to rea[l] (read) my emails.  However, writing to you is the only option that I have.  I like to believe that you care for me.  The harsh reality is very few people understand what it's like to suffer from mental illness.

I like you a lot and it saddens me to think that I might just not be able to reach out to you.  What can I say baby.  I bet there are other people who are in worse situations than me.

I will continue writing to you as a recovery strategy.  If you think these emails are invading your personal space, let me know.  You can always "unsubscribe" them.  However, if you are supporting my effort to get well, drop me a *li[k]e (line).  That will definitely boost my morale.

*  Sarah would like that too.  

OK honey, I'll catch up with you.  Take good care of yourself.

Love you always.

Sine cera,

SJ
2/7/20 

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Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

21s

@elsDines

I wrote an email entitled Another Dear Els Letter just now. I was feeling melancholic when I did that. So here is your lullaby for tonight: https://youtube.com/watch?v=_Jtpf8N5IDE… Goodnight baby. I love you so much.

1/7/20 ^^^All technical issues had been resolved

Now I no longer have issues regarding my car, handphone, desktop, broadband and laptop.  They are all up to speed.  Imagine, all the problems incurred simultaneously.

I even have a 5G network for my laptop.  Oh darn, the 5G requires a strong signal.  I cannot get it from the study room.

Speed test indicated that I can get up to 25 Mbps speed on my 30 Mbps.  That's more I like it.

Today, the Muhibbah Trio is going live on Facebook.  I can get a closer look at Els and her red hair LOL.

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I won't Tweet Els today.  I think I just email her.

Actually when I am not in hypomania, I don't have the urge to contact Els.  So I can say that my attraction to Els is part of the illness.

Hang on, I feel like having a hot chocolate.

OK, I just did that with some wheat crackers.

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I am totally relaxed now.  I can think clearly too.  The hot chocolate and crackers did wonders to me.

So what do I think about when I am level headed?

I think of coming out with an excellent course on mental health.  I think of earning a living again.  I think...

Well I think I'll do away with Els.

I should start living my life.  If I want to write  her an email, I simply write.

After watching the Facebook live I think I am better of not waste my time with her.

She is not comfortable with me.

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As long as she is not rejecting me, I am fine.  I do not want to blow my only option communicating to a girl.  She is the my only creative outlet.  Whaddaheck...

Actually that is not entirely true.  I can always write to you.  What is the appeal then?  None other than interactive radio.

I should stop acting crazy though with these beliefs about my path is aligned to her.  She is just a chick.

I want to watch TV after this.

Later baby...

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

46s

@elsDines

@traxxfmofficial

#traxxfm Your hair looks good. I thought it was bright red like the Tik Tok video.

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Just don't give a fuck.

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