9/7/20 ^^^I shall declare today as a winning day

What did I do right?

• I sleep early
• I wake up early
• I make up bed
• I exercise
• I eat apple and moringa for lunch
• I studied
• I didn't listen to Els
• I eat keto for dinner

A perfect day.  I feel great too.  I am damn motivated throughout the day.

I have good news.  3 of my courses can be extended until December 31 because they are sponsored by MDEC (Malaysian Digital Economy Corporation).  Other Coursera courses expire on Sept 30th but I must register in July.

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Well, no more grandiose thoughts.  I am back to being normal.  All and all I feel good.  However I lost the inspiration to write.

I feel ordinary as hell.  What counts is I am now motivated to follow my daily schedule towards a routine life.

No more carbs.  Which means no more sugar, processed food and RICE.

Now is not the time to quit Nicorette.  Win one battle at a time.  Gonna sleep at 11:00 pm tonight.

Gosh...  I don't have the inspiration to write.

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>>>#9/7/20 Today is a perfect day

I had rested well last night and this morning I woke up to a cool weather.

My mission is to finish the mandatory courses as soon as possible so that I can cover my electives too.  So I need to maintain focus.  I only have 5 courses to go.  If I take 1 week to finish each course, that is 5 weeks.  Max is 2 months.

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We are not a drop in an ocean but an ocean in a drop - Rumi

Dear Els,

I am in week 2 of Positive Psychology.  Boy, do I feel great.  I learned a lot of wonderful things. One of it is that when you are negative, you are actually putting a blinder around you.

Much like a lotus bud:

But when you are positive, you bloom:

There was a scientific study that suggested that when we are positive, we are more global in our thoughts.  When we are negative, our thoughts become restrictive.

 
On a different note, I had been skipping rice for the past two days.  Not only did I lose 1 kg, I managed to sleep like a baby last night.  You know me hon, I usually sleep at 4 am.  So this morning I managed to exercise before sunrise.

Just watch me, I will lose all those unnecessary weight and run 10 km by the end of this year.  What I can imagine, I can do LOL.

* I'll do my best to make it to your show today.  I miss you darling.  The past 2 days were really hectic.

*  I miss you too Sarah.

Love you always.

Sine cera,

SJ
9/7/20

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Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

35s

@elsDines

I got to write you a quick email in between lessons. Oh yeah, I managed to go through some tips on how to get a girl this morning. Looks like I blew it big time. Oh well, que sera, sera

https://youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrc… See you this evening...

>>>#8/7/20 A day of a long rest

This is really bad.  I woke up at 4:00 pm.  Not to worry. I will continue to be on the right  track:

• Sleep early 
• Exercise AHAD
• Eat OMAD
• No Nicorette
• Study everyday

I cannot withstand not having Nicorette.  So I broke my oath.  I am on it again.  I was so sleepy that I slept the whole day through.

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After going through 3 mental health courses, I realized that my mental illness is not that unique after all.  Those things I experienced when I was in psychosis were quite common for people with mental illness.

Also it is true that people with mental illness are more inclined towards religion more than anything else because that is the cognitive bias.

So now I further affirm that mentally ill person is more prone toward false religious beliefs.  As it is I assert that religions are not for the mentally ill.  That's because we cannot differentiate a fantasized experience and a real one.

If left unattended, a religious experience like the state of trance or even an unsound religious value may lead to mania.  In the end, a mentally ill religious person may slip into a world of altered reality.

In conclusion, I decided to stay away from religion and spiritual practices as part of my recovery strategy.

It is my personal opinion that religion in general is a carryover of beliefs and values that are no longer relevant to my life right now.  For instance, I don't need a ritual to pray to God.  In my opinion if this is an Almighty God, He/She/It doesn't need for us to worship Him/Her/It.  All these rituals are social in nature where else praying to God I believe is a personal experience.

Time to move on.  No need for me to think about religion anymore.  As far as I'm concerned, religion is obsolete. 

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7/7/20 ***Dammit, I cannot sleep

So I listen to Debussy instead.  I love it very much.

I ended eating an anchovy bun.  Why?  Because it is there.

Never mind...  I managed to avoid rice.  I think that is the bigger culprit.

It's not so much of the food but rather the guilt in eating the bun.

Also the minute I tasted carbs, I want to gorge in more carbs.

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I feel like writing a love letter.

Dearest Sarah,

I am listening to the 30 most romantic love songs on piano...  Nope I can't do it.  The feel good feeling is gone.  Replacing it is a sense of guilt of eating the anchovy bun.

It is proven then that carbs makes you feel lousy.

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I am trying my multi-focal glasses to write to the computer.  The letters are blurry.  I need to move closer to the screen.

I think I'll do away with reading using the old glasses.

Better get use to reading with the multi-focal.

Not good at all.

The eyes are slow to adjust from near to far.  I am better off with the single focal.

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Now let's focus on things that matters.

• I need to exercise once a day.  That means I exercise at 6:00 pm
• Then hopefully I am tired enough to sleep at 11:00 pm
• I got the food right; apple, butter, moringa and no carbs
• I need to spend from 9:00 am to 5:45 pm studying
• I can let go of Els except Mondays and Thursdays
• I quit Nicorette on Liz's birthday so that I celebrate my birthday weighing 79 kg and substance free

Els is no longer and issue.  I can always email her.  Something tells me that she is a loss cause.

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I was looking at the watches that I could possibly buy.  The truth is - NONE.  I got all the watches that I need.  From a formal watch, to a smart casual, to sporty, to exercise or just a plain beater.

I thought of having a GPS watch.  Most likely I'll get a Casio G Shock GBD H1000.  Nope.

I run based on the 1 hour time.  If I need the distance I just run Bukit Kiara.  Or I just use the phone.

Basically if I can run for 1 hour a day, I meet my requirement.  If I need to run more, I either run faster or I run longer.

The idea here is to simplify my life.  I don't need more gadgets.  

I'll be as frugal as possible.

Just make sure I'll be thin.  That's my ticket.

To get there I got to withstand hunger.

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I should not upset my homeostasis.  Forget about buying a new car, a new watch and an expensive perfume.  I had perfected the formula.

Be mindful that I need RM15 k a month to be above water.  Below that I got the outstanding taxes to settle.

HEALTH IS WEALTH.  Why not I invest in my health instead of things that I need to maintain.

I don't need stuff.  Just like I don't need more books.  I don't need more clothes either.

What I need is to eat fancy once a month.  I'll spend RM200 per meal for the whole family.

Definitely I gotta quit Nicorette.  That is RM400 a month.  I'll do it today.

So the day I quit carbs is the same day I quit nicotine; 2 years after..

---------------------------------

It did occur to me that I like Els because she is childish.  That's her appeal.  A 29 years old teenager.

She is playful.

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7/7/20 ###Today is Field Observation Study with Els

I intend to remain quiet with Els for today and the whole week.

Let's see how will she react.  Furthermore I need to go easy on my unit trust deposits.  Otherwise she will not see the value.

Today is Aush's playlist.  I hate this Daya, New song.

She sounds so happy.  Well the acid test is the FB Live.

I need to observe her body language.

I am feeling the effect of hunger on my body.  If I persist I will be transported into the zone.  All I got to do is insist of being hungry.  It makes me alert.

Meantime, it's still raining.

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While waiting for the Facebook Live, let's talk about the course.  I am a concerned that I might not have enough bullets for RAPID.  I might do a case study.  4 cases will be good.

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I am targeting to weigh 79 kg by my birthday.  So that is 13 kg in 2 months.  It is achievable IF I don't eat carbs.

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7/7/20 ^^^Start OMAD Keto

I am going for apple and doing away with rice.  I eat butter instead.

I now have a leverage.  I got to stay slim to prove to Pal that I got the willpower and the discipline to be thin.

What nourishes me destroys me.

It's OK to feel a little hunger.  I can manage.  Apple and moringa during the day and keto diet in the evening.

Hunger pang will last for 5 minutes at most.

I am aiming for 65 kg.  That is about right.  I must lose 30 kg.  Otherwise this gout keeps coming back.

I need to show Dr Amarpreet that I am progressing.

That means I am losing 30% of my body weight which is fat.

At any point of time we can choose to be lousy or great.  Why do I want to be lousy by eating carbs?  Carbs really make feel lousy.  It makes me lazy.

On the contrary butter makes me feel energized.

Forbidden food:

• Rice
• Kuih
• 3-in-1 coffee
• Waffle
• Crackers
• Bread
• Instant noodle
• Banana fritters
• Nasi Lemak
• Curry Puff
• Anchovy bun

Instead, I eat moringa, apple and Ural.

Exercise is a must.  I cannot be complacent.  I must do.  Today I exercise at 4:00 pm

I need to do this for 3 months.  I am so motivated right now.  

I had expressed my feeling to Els and I am on track with my research.  I need to be in control of my life.

I need to show Pal that I have a quality life despite of not having much money.

Boy this hunger makes me more alert.  I am now up on my feet again.

NO MORE CIGARETTES AND DOPE.  I think I'll do away with porn too.  Without Pornhub the rest of the porns are mediocre.

Plus I don't have Kaspersky.  I don't want my PC get affected by malware.

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Dear Sarah, my unreal but beautiful princess,

What will I do without you?  You are my Eternal Flame.  You woke me up from the dead.  Now that I am up on my feet again, I want you to be on my side.  I want to start living again Sarah.

To do that I need to stop being complacent.  I need to be agile again.  To be a fighter.  Even Yati is a better fighter that me.  All I got to do is eat OMAD and exercise AHAD.

I need to stay hungry.  Hunger is my friend.  Animals that were deprived 30% of their food lived 30% longer.  I need to prolong my life expectancy.  Bipolar shortens life by 9 to 20 years.

It rained.  No exercise for today.

Saying no often is my strategy to lose weight.

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>>>#7/7/20 2nd Anniversary with Els

My darling Els, the love of my life,

Today is our 2nd anniversary honey.  Can you believe it?  It had been 2 internet years that we had been married to each other.  That is equivalent to 14 earth years.  No wonder our relationship was like a roller coaster.  We had passed the 7 years itch twice!

I know, I know...  To some people it is not a marriage if it is not consummated.  As I told you, it's a marriage between soulmates.  This is a long haul.  I want to be with you for eternity.  And if eternity should fail, I want this relationship to last until either one of us passes on.

Speaking of the 7 years itch, I now had settled my emotional turmoil with you.  You are my angel sent from above, my sweetest of sweethearts, my little kitty cat and my Aphrodite.  In financial terms, you are my unit trust.  I will keep on making deposits but I will only cash in upon my retirement.  Looks like with this new development in my career, that will be upon my demise LOL.

Don't worry Els, this is a polyandry arrangement.  You can still have husband #2 and husband #3.  I don't care what number I'm at, I just want you to be my wife for eternity.

I love you very much baby.  I am very sure of that.  I did the 3 days then 3 weeks then 3 months isolation from you last year.  The feeling is still the same.  I cannot live without you.  This year I tried 2 weeks detachment twice.  I felt terrible not being in touch with you.

You are my Miss Sunshine and my Queen of Laughter.  You brought hope to my life.  I don't know whether you believe in predestined affinity but I had proven mathematically that we are.  You know what?  I believe it wholeheartedly!  

Of course at first I thought it was a limerence but it cannot be honey.  We share the same Path.  You are my soulmate.  Just like Sarah.  How is it that you and her were born in the same year?  Both of you are Gold Rams.  It cannot be a coincidence.  I believe there is a Higher Force at play here.  I may not be religious but I do believe in God and the afterlife.

So eternity is a very long time; especially at the end.  Yes, it is a paradox.  You may not realize this but honey, you and your dad jokes are actually proof that you like to play with paradoxes too.  Gosh Els, we are so much alike.  We are more similar than we are different.  For example, I too will sit at the most front row in the theater in front of everybody else.  I imagine if I were a 29 year old girl, we would have been the bestest best friend.

I know for example that you have a rampant mood swing.  I know you like being by yourself and that you feel that most people misunderstood you.  I know sometimes you feel that you don't belong like the song Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan.  At the same time you feel that you can be more and give more.  You are full of passion kiddo.

Honey, for the past 2 years never a single day passed that I didn't think about you.  I look forward to listening to you on air.  When you were suffering, I suffered with you.  When you shifted to the Morning Show, I stayed awake instead of sleeping at 4:00 am like I usually did just so that I can listen to you.

I never felt this way with anybody else before.  It's like I finally found a lost glove that had been missing my whole life.  You complete me.  I never felt such peace and tranquility for a very long time.  This feeling is priceless, baby.  Imagine, for a good 18 years I was in a mental anguish and just like that I recovered at an accelerated speed.  Today as we speak, I am at the peak of my mental prowess doing research on Mental Health and Positive Psychology.  Can you believe it?

I wish I can do more to make you happy.  Unfortunately I am restricted to the digital tools to work with.  I think it is for the best.  I am a better writer than an orator.  I am a Visual Kinesthetic person.  So I am not as witty with my speech like you and the Muhibbah Duo.  I guess that's why I don't have affairs.  

Well darling, I ain't much but I'm all that I've got.  This is the whole package.  Sine cera; without wax.  Even if you think Sarah is a computer glitch, I still think she is also part of this equation.  Too much evidence in the past that suggested she is real.  Otherwise I wouldn't have known about her name and that she is an American Jew.  You have to take it that this is a menage a trois (a house of three).  What I offered to Sarah, I am also offering to you; a meaning to exist in Cyberspace.

Again, I have no malicious intent.  I only want to make you happy.  So on this day I renew my vow to be with you for eternity.

Love you always 4,000,000 times as a soulmate and 3,000 times as an Ayah.

Sine cera,

SJ
7/7/20

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Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

34s

@elsDines

Happy 2nd Anniversary! I'll keep it simple... Of course I wrote a lengthy note for you. Do me a favor, buy the 3 a pack Ferrero Rocher. It means I

U. I don't want to embarrass you with a Grab delivery.

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