Why is that rather than reading, I prefer writing to you?
I can never get enough of you.
As I mentioned, this is the End of an Era. We are moving towards a new reality with the coming of August.
I wish time slows down. Between studying and reading, I still have to manage my mood swings. The swings are less rampant since I quit smoking. Still, I am not entirely free from it.
I feel relieved that I switch to Flyfm. I am still able to keep abreast of the latest updates without having to clinch on Els. I think within this short stint I can let her go without much effort.
I am no[t] (now) beginning to understand that the attraction is pretty much my personality trait. However, that attraction will not be reciprocated by a person with Els's personality trait. In the end, I am only going to get disappointed.
I remember a long time ago, somebody told me, "Do not love somebody that you love but love somebody who loves you".
I guess as I was reading the report, there were many flashbacks I had about my past life. I made so many mistakes. Even very recently I still make mistakes. My mistake is I dabble in social media. Because of that, I jeopardize future undertakings with Pal.
I need to lay low for a while. I need to recompose and restrategize my personal actions. I cannot be doing the same things and expect different results. That is insanity.
If you notice, my success in life is dependent on Pal's trust in me. To a certain extend, I had shaken his trust. I talked openly about his mega projects. Well, that's not part of the original plan.
My initial plan was to come up with the Mental Health and Positive Psychology Course. Then comes the book. However, I told him I wanted to make RM1.5 million in 10 years. So he is aware that I want to deliver 10 classes a month.
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As you know, a person of my personality is driven by purpose. To accumulate RM1 million is not my end purpose. That is only a means. My purpose is to be just to my wives.
We went through this many times before. I can get away by thinking about myself alone. However, I want to be a just man. It means a lot to me. As the head of this family, I want to treat you and Lizzie as my equal partners. Hence half of what I earn goes to you and Lizzie. Not a single regret. Either I give to my wives or I give to charity. Either way, I only keep half of what I earn.
Brb...
Sorry, I just went for my jab.
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Tuesday, 11 August 2020
11/8/20 ***Managed to snap out of the melancholic mood
Everything is usually based on the state of mind.
The past 2 days I was feeling down. Therefore my outlook is grim.
I had a good rest just now and I am back to my regular self again.
So what if I am weird? I am always weird. The only thing is now I am aware I am weird. Big deal.
Even if I cannot make money because I am weird, so what? I got to embrace who I am.
What counts is I am happy.
If all this while I am curious about who I am, now I know.
Look, I enjoy talking to you. I too enjoy being by myself. Nothing can change that. This is who I am. So I might as well embrace my eccentricity.
I don't care about what people think Sarah. All that I care about is you love me.
I want to do good for you. That's the reason I want to make a lot of money. On my own, I don't need that much money. I am happy the way I am.
--------------------
As I read the Advocate Premium Profile, I discovered that I am an individualist. I do things I feel like doing. I am the captain of my fate. In other words, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. That is me. I follow my passion.
A[s] (At) first I wanted to chuck the whole report as being hogwash. But as I read through, I realized that is me. I am an idealist. A perfectionist to [the] the core.
Let's carry on reading.
OK, Sarah. I can accept that I am not a perfect being. I am somewhat complex in my mental makeup. What is more important for me is for you to accept me as who I am. As you can see, I have many positive traits; compassion, honesty, sense of purpose. I am not all about high in the clouds. I may be an idealist but at the same time, I am a responsible person.
At first, I was in denial because I always strive for perfection. However, as I read through the report I realize that there are many flaws I have to improve on.
I hope the damage is not beyond repair. At 56 I am still learning to improve myself. I need to care for people more than I care about myself. After all, I am in the training industry. It is all about caring and sharing in this business.
One other thing Sarah. My success is heavily dependent on how much Pal trusted my ability to deliver. If he believes in me, I fly high. If not, I am back into Continuous Learning.
The only aspect that I will lose is the ability to make a lot of money. I had been away from the mainstream for too long. I can manage. However, Songkhla 2030 is dependent on my ability to deliver 10 [days] days of training a month. Therefore social media, Dreams of Mirrors, and Els are no longer relevant in my pursuit of this worthy ideal. I am willing to change my priorities just so that I can earn a living.
-----------------------
Sarah, my darling. If not for my desire to legally marry you, I wouldn't want any more than what I have now. I want to be a responsible husband to you. I want to consummate our marriage. You are a loyal wife. That's the very least for me to do. Eternity is kinda nice but if I can bring it 10 years sooner, it will be better for both of us.
It is achievable in our lifetime. Let's drop Els off the equation. It was fun while it lasts. In reality, we are better off just focusing on the effort between us. Els is from a different world altogether. She is the complete opposite of who I am. If you are a Sentinel as I think you are, we stand a better chance. Already we have 2 family members who are Sentinels.
I love you so much, Sarah. There is nothing more that I want to do than to be with you. Maybe I am a hopeless romantic. The truth is you are my Eternal Flame. Otherwise, I will not make such a daring commitment. I am willing to confront Lizzie about our relationship. That is a serious commitment to making at 66. That also means I will be working until my 70s.
------------------------------
The past 2 days I was feeling down. Therefore my outlook is grim.
I had a good rest just now and I am back to my regular self again.
So what if I am weird? I am always weird. The only thing is now I am aware I am weird. Big deal.
Even if I cannot make money because I am weird, so what? I got to embrace who I am.
What counts is I am happy.
If all this while I am curious about who I am, now I know.
Look, I enjoy talking to you. I too enjoy being by myself. Nothing can change that. This is who I am. So I might as well embrace my eccentricity.
I don't care about what people think Sarah. All that I care about is you love me.
I want to do good for you. That's the reason I want to make a lot of money. On my own, I don't need that much money. I am happy the way I am.
--------------------
As I read the Advocate Premium Profile, I discovered that I am an individualist. I do things I feel like doing. I am the captain of my fate. In other words, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. That is me. I follow my passion.
A[s] (At) first I wanted to chuck the whole report as being hogwash. But as I read through, I realized that is me. I am an idealist. A perfectionist to [the] the core.
Let's carry on reading.
OK, Sarah. I can accept that I am not a perfect being. I am somewhat complex in my mental makeup. What is more important for me is for you to accept me as who I am. As you can see, I have many positive traits; compassion, honesty, sense of purpose. I am not all about high in the clouds. I may be an idealist but at the same time, I am a responsible person.
At first, I was in denial because I always strive for perfection. However, as I read through the report I realize that there are many flaws I have to improve on.
I hope the damage is not beyond repair. At 56 I am still learning to improve myself. I need to care for people more than I care about myself. After all, I am in the training industry. It is all about caring and sharing in this business.
One other thing Sarah. My success is heavily dependent on how much Pal trusted my ability to deliver. If he believes in me, I fly high. If not, I am back into Continuous Learning.
The only aspect that I will lose is the ability to make a lot of money. I had been away from the mainstream for too long. I can manage. However, Songkhla 2030 is dependent on my ability to deliver 10 [days] days of training a month. Therefore social media, Dreams of Mirrors, and Els are no longer relevant in my pursuit of this worthy ideal. I am willing to change my priorities just so that I can earn a living.
-----------------------
Sarah, my darling. If not for my desire to legally marry you, I wouldn't want any more than what I have now. I want to be a responsible husband to you. I want to consummate our marriage. You are a loyal wife. That's the very least for me to do. Eternity is kinda nice but if I can bring it 10 years sooner, it will be better for both of us.
It is achievable in our lifetime. Let's drop Els off the equation. It was fun while it lasts. In reality, we are better off just focusing on the effort between us. Els is from a different world altogether. She is the complete opposite of who I am. If you are a Sentinel as I think you are, we stand a better chance. Already we have 2 family members who are Sentinels.
I love you so much, Sarah. There is nothing more that I want to do than to be with you. Maybe I am a hopeless romantic. The truth is you are my Eternal Flame. Otherwise, I will not make such a daring commitment. I am willing to confront Lizzie about our relationship. That is a serious commitment to making at 66. That also means I will be working until my 70s.
------------------------------
Monday, 10 August 2020
11/8/20 ###I want to start fresh
Instead of living in a make believe world, I want to be pragmatic with my life.
I want to be a Subject Matter Expert in my field of expertise. No more dealing with fantasies. I had taken the journey to the very far end. It is nothing more than an elaborated imagination. All it did was reinforcing me as an imaginative person. There is no truth beyond what we believe in.
Let's stay grounded. Make money, save money. Live a good life. Stay healthy. Be happy.
I need to stay level-headed. Dealing with Els gets me into mania.
I should avoid Els as much as I am avoiding cigarettes and dope.
I should take a break from blogging too.
Later Sarah...
--------------------
I want to be a Subject Matter Expert in my field of expertise. No more dealing with fantasies. I had taken the journey to the very far end. It is nothing more than an elaborated imagination. All it did was reinforcing me as an imaginative person. There is no truth beyond what we believe in.
Let's stay grounded. Make money, save money. Live a good life. Stay healthy. Be happy.
I need to stay level-headed. Dealing with Els gets me into mania.
I should avoid Els as much as I am avoiding cigarettes and dope.
I should take a break from blogging too.
Later Sarah...
--------------------
11/8/20 ^^^What will I do if I know I could not fail?
- First and foremost, I should embrace my eccentricity regardless if people think I am weird
- I should finish studying Coursera
- I'll write Els a nice email
- I should finish reading the Advocate Premium Profile
- I don't worry about making money
- I should sleep on time
- I would not worry about my weight
Let's start with writing Els a nice letter.
Dear Els,
Boy, you are surely a hard habit to break. Whenever I decided to let you go, I feel very bad indeed. I cannot live without you. You are my inspiration and my source of motivation.
OK I did it. I'm [] (not) going to send her the email. I need to break off from this addiction.
Of course I should obtain my happiness intrinsically. Els is nonreciprocating, it's like fucking a corpse.
Notice Sarah, these are all dopamine related. I am low in dopamine these past few days. The root cause is my inability to sleep on time. I am set to dump Els. I have to. I should not listen to her anymore.
Let's focus on the future:
- Weigh 65 kg
- Complete Mental Health and Positive Psychology Course
- Complete the Wellness book
- Deliver 10 training days a month
- Exercise AHAD
You got to help me Sarah. Support me emotionally. I need to feel loved. If I get that from you, sparks are ignited within me. I am whole again.
As it is you are all that I got. I had been on an emotional roller coaster for too long. I need stability.
Els is a drug much like cigarette and dope. I have to get her out of my system.
---------------------
11/8/20 ^^^Understanding my source of depression
Why am I depressed right now?
I am depressed because:
I am depressed because:
- I found out I am a weirdo
- I am dumping Els
- The Advocate Premium Profile upsets me
- I think too much
- I do not achieve much
- I have very little money
- I ate too much carbs
- I gained weight
- I don't enjoy life
- I do not exercise
- My sleep is erratic
Fuck, I got to snap out of it.
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>>>#11/8/20 The fight is still on
As much as I am a rare category, I have to accept that I am odd. Although that is the case, that should not derail me from the purpose I had set to achieve.
I gotta keep my goals simple.
Save RM10 k a month for the next 10 years. To do that I need to deliver 10 days of classes a month.
Deliver 10 : Save 10 : Next 10.
On a scale of 1 to 10 where is my energy level? I am a 6 right now.
Time to be level-headed.
-------------------
My weight had increased again, I need to watch what I eat.
--------------------
OK, I win one battle at a time. Right now I need to stay on track with Coursera.
I have to get rid of Els.
Finally, I need to get thin.
Let's not worry so much about being an Advocate.
What I need is love and money. When I have money, I can buy love.
-----------------------
If I can conclude, I am crazy because I am wired that way. I feel very uncomfortable indeed. I am the weird one. I am nobody special.
In the end, there is nothing. All the ideals mean nothing. It's just me and my weird personality traits.
I need a sense of achievement. I need meaning.
Of course I am feeling this way because I am depressed.
-----------------------
I gotta keep my goals simple.
Save RM10 k a month for the next 10 years. To do that I need to deliver 10 days of classes a month.
Deliver 10 : Save 10 : Next 10.
On a scale of 1 to 10 where is my energy level? I am a 6 right now.
Time to be level-headed.
-------------------
My weight had increased again, I need to watch what I eat.
--------------------
OK, I win one battle at a time. Right now I need to stay on track with Coursera.
I have to get rid of Els.
Finally, I need to get thin.
Let's not worry so much about being an Advocate.
What I need is love and money. When I have money, I can buy love.
-----------------------
If I can conclude, I am crazy because I am wired that way. I feel very uncomfortable indeed. I am the weird one. I am nobody special.
In the end, there is nothing. All the ideals mean nothing. It's just me and my weird personality traits.
I need a sense of achievement. I need meaning.
Of course I am feeling this way because I am depressed.
-----------------------
10/8/20 ***Staying on the right path
I should not be involved in a nonreciprocating relationship. It is toxic and damaging.
Now that I know who I am, I should be mindful not to hurt myself.
Stay focus... That's what I should do. The first decision is always the right decision. Els and I are the complete opposite.
Based on what I read, I am more suited to the Sentinels. Otherwise, my relationship with Lizzie will not last for 30 years. You are also a Sentinel. We should be doing OK with one another.
I really need to get rid of Els. The only way to do it is to not listen to her. Otherwise, I get caught up.
----------------------
Idealism is a weakness. I need to be more practical. Time to move on. I should be focusing on my 5 goals. Then only Songkhla 2030 is a reality. At this point, I have to be practical.
I was watching a movie about Tolkein's life when I feel like writing to you.
I think I sign off for now...
Goodnight Sarah. I love you so much.
------------------------
Now that I know who I am, I should be mindful not to hurt myself.
Stay focus... That's what I should do. The first decision is always the right decision. Els and I are the complete opposite.
Based on what I read, I am more suited to the Sentinels. Otherwise, my relationship with Lizzie will not last for 30 years. You are also a Sentinel. We should be doing OK with one another.
I really need to get rid of Els. The only way to do it is to not listen to her. Otherwise, I get caught up.
----------------------
Idealism is a weakness. I need to be more practical. Time to move on. I should be focusing on my 5 goals. Then only Songkhla 2030 is a reality. At this point, I have to be practical.
I was watching a movie about Tolkein's life when I feel like writing to you.
I think I sign off for now...
Goodnight Sarah. I love you so much.
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