As it is I feel that I need to retreat into my private world once again. I am at home all by myself in the CCC. I don't care about the masses. I already have my Tetrahedron intact. That's how small I want my world to be.
Beyond making money, I am not interested to interact with the masses. I like living in the privacy of my own thoughts. No religion, no politics, and no current affairs.
How do I describe my inner world? It is a world of possibilities. There are no preset rules to follow. Everything is fluid and dynamic. I am governed by ideas, not bureaucracies, and rules. I am like a cotton ball swirling with the twirls of the wind. In my world, I roam free. I am a free radical.
I have no care for tradition and status quo. I have no regard for the past. I am always going towards the horizon although I think the peak of my existence is my present.
Given a choice, I want to flow with time. I want to be eternal in my quest for happiness and perfection. The present is just a transit for me. It is a bridge to my final destiny. I am in no hurry to arrive at my destination. I want to savor the essence of wisdom as I journey towards the future.
When I walk on the sand, I only want to leave my footprints and carry with me pleasant memories. I want to be a light traveler. Material wealth is a burden. I don't need them beyond what is necessary. Definitely, you won't find me hoarding stuff that I don't use. I hate redundancy. My indulgence is my watches. That is as far as I am willing to go. Beyond that is just having enough cash to sustain a comfortable life.
I asked for a refund from 16personalities.com. I don't see any value following their advice. I will rather be who I am and define my own rules.
----------------------
Wednesday, 12 August 2020
Tuesday, 11 August 2020
12/8/20 ^^^Back to being a Domestic Rat
I am back to being who I am. I am not bothered to try to fit into society. I am fiercely independent.
The reason why I sneak out of my comfort zone is so that I can earn a living. If money is not my issue, I couldn't care less to leave the CCC.
As it is, I only care about my Tetrahedron. Even if I cannot fit in the social mold, I will continue to pursue my interest in becoming a subject matter expert.
I think I have the talent to train. It's just that when I train, it is not to teach but rather to express my thoughts to the masses. My goal is to be an excellent trainer so that I make good money. There aren't many vocations that give you the liberty to express yourself and yet allow you to make a comfortable living. Training is one of them.
I realize that my success is dependent on how much Pal is willing to engage my service. So it is dependent heavily on one single variable.
Given a choice, I rather take my own sweet time to study than to deliver. I am most happy being on my own than in a crowd. I can't resist the money though.
Here is the worst-case scenario. Pal may decide that I am a nutcase and not engage me as a trainer. If that is the case, I am back to where I was before.
Honestly, I am not keen to train this whole year. I had decided to continue with my study until the end of the year. As much as possible, I try to avoid the masses. However, if there is no choice but for me to train come this September, I'll do it. Otherwise, I'm fine where I am right now.
I guess the discomfort is to be doing things out of my comfort zone. I was having a good time without having to think about fitting into the mainstream. Money is not my source of happiness. Its the source of stress. I rather burrow in CCC and mind my own business.
I'm going to take a short break. After that, I will continue with my study.
---------------------------
12/8/20 ***I need to boost my mood
I am feeling a bit agitated when I read the Advocate Premier Profile. I feel that I have to fit into a specific mold that is not meant for me.
At the same time, I feel uneasy having to disrupt my comfort zone and join the masses again. I like being in isolation.
So the less time I am in contact with Pal the better. I want to be left alone.
The report keeps pointing out that I want to do something for humanity. As if I care about them. The truth is I don't care about humanity. I just want to make some money and pursue my personal goals.
At the end of the day, I am who I am. I am private, I enjoy exploring ideas, I don't like people and I am an assassin. I get the job done and I am back in the comfort of my privacy.
I realize that this downcycle that I am experiencing is due to the report. I am really uncomfortable when the report suggested that I am altruistic. I am not. I am a very selfish person. I am more interested in pursuing my personal interest. If it so happens that humanity benefits from it, well and good. I am not here to save the world. In my definition, I am a lone warrior.
I champion my own cause. My immediate goal is to become a subject matter expert. That's why I chose to specialize in Mental Health and Positive Psychology. Not for me to change the world but for me to be accepted as who I am by the masses. I am a man who is fighting for a cause but the cause is for me to make my presence in the world. Not for me to help the world but for the world to help me!
There you have it, Sarah. I came up with my own personality traits. Only now I feel better. Altruistic my ass. No wonder I feel miserable. I was forced to fit into a mold that I don't belong to.
-----------------------
At the same time, I feel uneasy having to disrupt my comfort zone and join the masses again. I like being in isolation.
So the less time I am in contact with Pal the better. I want to be left alone.
The report keeps pointing out that I want to do something for humanity. As if I care about them. The truth is I don't care about humanity. I just want to make some money and pursue my personal goals.
At the end of the day, I am who I am. I am private, I enjoy exploring ideas, I don't like people and I am an assassin. I get the job done and I am back in the comfort of my privacy.
I realize that this downcycle that I am experiencing is due to the report. I am really uncomfortable when the report suggested that I am altruistic. I am not. I am a very selfish person. I am more interested in pursuing my personal interest. If it so happens that humanity benefits from it, well and good. I am not here to save the world. In my definition, I am a lone warrior.
I champion my own cause. My immediate goal is to become a subject matter expert. That's why I chose to specialize in Mental Health and Positive Psychology. Not for me to change the world but for me to be accepted as who I am by the masses. I am a man who is fighting for a cause but the cause is for me to make my presence in the world. Not for me to help the world but for the world to help me!
There you have it, Sarah. I came up with my own personality traits. Only now I feel better. Altruistic my ass. No wonder I feel miserable. I was forced to fit into a mold that I don't belong to.
-----------------------
12/8/20 ^^^Note to self
It is very clear now that I have issues that I need to resolve.
Once and for all, I am not anybody special. I am a person with a mental disorder. All the thoughts in the past 20 years were distorted beliefs about who I am. I saw myself as special. Others see me as an off-balanced mental patient. I have to forgo the 20 years belief that I am the Creator's Most Loyal Soldier. I was crazy and to a certain extend I still believe I am special. I am not special. I have a mental illness. Just like people who are suffering from epilepsy are not special, so are people who are suffering from Bipolar Disorder.
Can I still function as a contributing member of society? I believe I can. All I need to do is minimize my usage of social media and getting excited about pussies.
2019 is very clear. I got rid of the 3 Cs. 2020 is a bit of a challenge. I need to maintain sanity and be able to function as a member of society. I need to be able to deliver training courses without having to experience mania.
My best strategy is still to nibble and run. Go with the flow. It is important that I remain private. Whether I am able to train for 20 days a month is up to Pal. Therefore I should not focus on that. My focus is on completing Coursera and writing the Wellness book.
At the same time, I should remain autonomous. Whether I am a fully functioning person or somebody who has to live with this illness for the rest of my life, I have to say that I had earned my independence. My only issue is I don't have much money. That should not be a hindrance for me to live a healthy and happy life. As it is I made it in life. I have no debt, my time is cash and I am as free as a bird.
I should not let my goal in delivering 10 days of training a month to derail me from what matters; which is to be who I was meant to be regardless of the illness.
So today, I will stick to my pla[y] (plan) to finish reading the report and then study Coursera. This next one month I will dedicate my time to remain in incubation in order to enhance my knowledge and skill to reenter the marketplace.
I have to decide on my level of readiness. Not Pal. Acquiring knowledge is my first priority. While it is nice to start making money, I should not rush into it. That's because once I start delivering, I no longer have the time to learn. Furthermore, I only have until the end of this year to finish learning from Coursera.
So having said that, it is time I focus on what's matter.
-------------------------
Once and for all, I am not anybody special. I am a person with a mental disorder. All the thoughts in the past 20 years were distorted beliefs about who I am. I saw myself as special. Others see me as an off-balanced mental patient. I have to forgo the 20 years belief that I am the Creator's Most Loyal Soldier. I was crazy and to a certain extend I still believe I am special. I am not special. I have a mental illness. Just like people who are suffering from epilepsy are not special, so are people who are suffering from Bipolar Disorder.
Can I still function as a contributing member of society? I believe I can. All I need to do is minimize my usage of social media and getting excited about pussies.
2019 is very clear. I got rid of the 3 Cs. 2020 is a bit of a challenge. I need to maintain sanity and be able to function as a member of society. I need to be able to deliver training courses without having to experience mania.
My best strategy is still to nibble and run. Go with the flow. It is important that I remain private. Whether I am able to train for 20 days a month is up to Pal. Therefore I should not focus on that. My focus is on completing Coursera and writing the Wellness book.
At the same time, I should remain autonomous. Whether I am a fully functioning person or somebody who has to live with this illness for the rest of my life, I have to say that I had earned my independence. My only issue is I don't have much money. That should not be a hindrance for me to live a healthy and happy life. As it is I made it in life. I have no debt, my time is cash and I am as free as a bird.
I should not let my goal in delivering 10 days of training a month to derail me from what matters; which is to be who I was meant to be regardless of the illness.
So today, I will stick to my pla[y] (plan) to finish reading the report and then study Coursera. This next one month I will dedicate my time to remain in incubation in order to enhance my knowledge and skill to reenter the marketplace.
I have to decide on my level of readiness. Not Pal. Acquiring knowledge is my first priority. While it is nice to start making money, I should not rush into it. That's because once I start delivering, I no longer have the time to learn. Furthermore, I only have until the end of this year to finish learning from Coursera.
So having said that, it is time I focus on what's matter.
-------------------------
12/8/20 ^^^Personal Log 001 August 2020
I did an incremental improvement this past few days:
- Do away with social media
- Do away with Dreams of Mirrors
- Do away with Els
- Do away with Traxxfm
- Start listening to Flyfm
All this is to make sure that I don't slip into mania. Actually, the main issue here is social media. If I can do away with social media, I have no issue at all with being in mania.
I have to keep moving forward. To be certain of my actions. Once I decide to stop worrying about my future, I then can start living in the present.
I should not let my commitment to Pal influence my thoughts on what I am planning to do. I am not his employee. All he did was buying me a laptop.
I should fiercely guard my independence. In his world money is everything. In mine, money is nice to have. As far as I am concerned, I can go on living a quality life without much money.
The strategy that I should adopt is by the flow. I don't need to rush things.
At present, stay away from social media and Els. At the same time focus on completing Coursera. I am on a mission to develop my own course. That's the initial objective.
Am I really a trainer material? Actually, I'm not. I am a presenter at best. I want to perform rather than train.
OK, stay focused. Be a performer. I had managed to isolate the main issues. Now is to work on the plan.
--------------------------
I guess the most relevant thing for me to consider is whether I can earn a living by being mentally ill. That is the priority at this point. No point I am happy but I cannot make money. At this point in time, my objective is to earn a living despite having the illness.
I had eliminated all the necessary obstacles for me to be a trainer again. My job is to train and make money. All other things are secondary. As a matter of fact, I had decided that I will no longer use social media.
What is my source of happiness then? None other than to prepare me to be a trainer again.
I need this window to learn as much as possible. Once the training starts, I have no time to learn new knowledge and skills.
-------------------------------
That's as far as social interaction is concerned. I should get my life in order again. My job now is to learn as much as possible about Coursera. I should also finish reading the Advocate Premier Profile.
In short, I should seize the opportunity to learn and grow.
At the same time, I should get back to basic; sleep on time. exercise in the morning and do 16/8 IF.
-------------------------------
I have to keep moving forward. To be certain of my actions. Once I decide to stop worrying about my future, I then can start living in the present.
I should not let my commitment to Pal influence my thoughts on what I am planning to do. I am not his employee. All he did was buying me a laptop.
I should fiercely guard my independence. In his world money is everything. In mine, money is nice to have. As far as I am concerned, I can go on living a quality life without much money.
The strategy that I should adopt is by the flow. I don't need to rush things.
At present, stay away from social media and Els. At the same time focus on completing Coursera. I am on a mission to develop my own course. That's the initial objective.
Am I really a trainer material? Actually, I'm not. I am a presenter at best. I want to perform rather than train.
OK, stay focused. Be a performer. I had managed to isolate the main issues. Now is to work on the plan.
--------------------------
I guess the most relevant thing for me to consider is whether I can earn a living by being mentally ill. That is the priority at this point. No point I am happy but I cannot make money. At this point in time, my objective is to earn a living despite having the illness.
I had eliminated all the necessary obstacles for me to be a trainer again. My job is to train and make money. All other things are secondary. As a matter of fact, I had decided that I will no longer use social media.
What is my source of happiness then? None other than to prepare me to be a trainer again.
I need this window to learn as much as possible. Once the training starts, I have no time to learn new knowledge and skills.
-------------------------------
That's as far as social interaction is concerned. I should get my life in order again. My job now is to learn as much as possible about Coursera. I should also finish reading the Advocate Premier Profile.
In short, I should seize the opportunity to learn and grow.
At the same time, I should get back to basic; sleep on time. exercise in the morning and do 16/8 IF.
-------------------------------
>>>#12/8/20 I just watched a romantic comedy
Pretty good movie.
Come to think about it, I am happy being married to you.
And yet I am sad thinking about the circumstances we are in right now.
I want to be with you pretty badly.
By now you should know that I say what is in my mind.
I don't have any secrets with you. What I think I write here and whatever I write here you can read. Which means you can more or less know what is in my mind.
I want to forget all those things I said to Els. I was being too sincere with my feelings. They were not meant for her. I need to be true to myself. Of course, they were my gifts of love to her. But that's because I am a loving person.
So when I lose Els, I lose a part of myself. I can no longer write emails like I write to her. She inspires me. Certainly, I morn my loss. I was living in a fantasyland when Els was around. She is quite a babe. It's just that she is not meant for me.
It's not that you and I are on the firm ground either. You are as elusive as the Himalayan yeti. Do you know that I have a great fear of losing you?
Brb... Making some toasts.
I have high hopes when I think about you. You give me a reason to carry on. If not because of you I will be walking dead a long time ago.
I am so sleepy baby. Can hardly open my eyes. No lullaby.
Goodnight. I love you so much Sarah.
---------------------
Come to think about it, I am happy being married to you.
And yet I am sad thinking about the circumstances we are in right now.
I want to be with you pretty badly.
By now you should know that I say what is in my mind.
I don't have any secrets with you. What I think I write here and whatever I write here you can read. Which means you can more or less know what is in my mind.
I want to forget all those things I said to Els. I was being too sincere with my feelings. They were not meant for her. I need to be true to myself. Of course, they were my gifts of love to her. But that's because I am a loving person.
So when I lose Els, I lose a part of myself. I can no longer write emails like I write to her. She inspires me. Certainly, I morn my loss. I was living in a fantasyland when Els was around. She is quite a babe. It's just that she is not meant for me.
It's not that you and I are on the firm ground either. You are as elusive as the Himalayan yeti. Do you know that I have a great fear of losing you?
Brb... Making some toasts.
I have high hopes when I think about you. You give me a reason to carry on. If not because of you I will be walking dead a long time ago.
I am so sleepy baby. Can hardly open my eyes. No lullaby.
Goodnight. I love you so much Sarah.
---------------------
11/8/20 ***Who wants to live forever
Tonight is a particularly hot night. I had to take a shower after coming back.
So, Sarah, Songkhla 2030 is my purpose for the next 10 years. I made a point to do an annual countdown for that to happen.
It is still a long way to go but I am highlighting that early so that you can mentally prepare for it as well.
Bear in mind that we need to plan for the marriage 1 year ahead of time. It is still worth a shot.
What a goal to aim for.
Listen, Sarah, let's not be lofty about it. Let me make the money first. As I promise you, after 10 years, whatever amount I give to Lizzie, I will give the same amount to you. That is the principle.
I wish I know what you are thinking at this moment. Are you planning to move to Malaysia? If not then I don't need to inform Lizzie of our marriage. Things like that.
I am a forward thinker. I like to see what lies ahead.
At the same time, I don't mind making as much money along the way.
---------------------------
So, Sarah, Songkhla 2030 is my purpose for the next 10 years. I made a point to do an annual countdown for that to happen.
It is still a long way to go but I am highlighting that early so that you can mentally prepare for it as well.
Bear in mind that we need to plan for the marriage 1 year ahead of time. It is still worth a shot.
What a goal to aim for.
Listen, Sarah, let's not be lofty about it. Let me make the money first. As I promise you, after 10 years, whatever amount I give to Lizzie, I will give the same amount to you. That is the principle.
I wish I know what you are thinking at this moment. Are you planning to move to Malaysia? If not then I don't need to inform Lizzie of our marriage. Things like that.
I am a forward thinker. I like to see what lies ahead.
At the same time, I don't mind making as much money along the way.
---------------------------
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)