>>>#12/7/20 I dreamed all sorts of things

Including having a romp sex with a mistress.

I think it's because I watched the Great Wall of Vagina video before bed.

I woke up at 4:00 pm.  Not good at all.

I wonder why Pal wanted to cash out.  He is getting tired.  I think that is why Zali retreated.  Eventually the money is not worth it.

"Happiness, not gold or prestige, is the ultimate currency.”

—Tal Ben-Shahar

I need to start earning to save for the RM70 k income tax.  Otherwise Lizzie has to pay for my debt.  I need to earn RM12 k a month to settle the personal income tax and RM15 k a month to settle the company tax.  I am not home free yet.

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Today I refrained from seeing BJ.  I don't want to be stoned anymore.  I just want a good company.

I need to lose weight.  That is my main focus right now.  So no rice and bread.  I need to weight 79 kg by my upcoming birthday.

To do that I need to change my eating habit.  I need to look good in clothes.  Even if the clothes are just plain black v necks.

I have all the clothes for me to wear when I am thin.  All I need to do is be thin!  Do not purchase any clothes until I hit 63 kg.

I have the Solomon and Nike t-shirts from Ameezan.  I have the imitation Polos.  These are all the shirts when I am slim.

Bottom line, lose weight.  79 kg is the entry level.  This journey should be the most exciting journey for me.  I am on my way to be fitter and healthier.  No more bipolar and no more gout.  I need to be slimmer than BJ and RR.

I have to reduce food intake by eating OMAD Apple.

That is the thing that makes me happy now.  Healthy food.  I should have the discipline to say no to carbs.

Food should make me feel energized.  Not groggy.

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I just had my dinner.  It is a very satiating meal.  Fish, tempe and green beans.  Next is to enjoy a mug of black coffee.

No studying tonight.  I just want to chill.

I remember those years when I was hooked on dope and cigarettes.  Those were really the lost years.  I was stuck in a downward vortex.  Everyday the thing that occupy my thoughts was to get stoned.

Now, my obsession is to get thin.  I want to be thin real bad.  I can do it.  79 kg is only 11 kg away.

Stick to the game plan.  No carbs.

This is happiness.  KNOWING I DID THE RIGHT THING - that I am progressing towards a worthy ideal.

Happiness is:

• Listening to Capital UK
• Writing the blog
• Thinking good thoughts about Els
• Not listening to TraXX
• Eating a healthy diet
• Not having to smoke pot
• Chewing Nicorette

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This is a good life.  Music is the ultimate satisfaction.

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Let's look at the situation at hand.  Basically since last year I managed to turn around my life.  I QUIT THE 3 Cs.  That is the best decision I made in my life.  I now reset to zero.

Next best decision I made is to buy the Nautica X.

I am in the zone right now.  So I use this time to focus on being thin.  I must achieve 63 kg by the end of this year.  That will be my biggest achievement for 2020.  By changing the way I eat altogether.  That way I tackle bipolar and gout simultaneously.  This is achievable.

Next year is about Financial Offense.

I am in control of my destiny.  AS LONG AS I AM LOSING WEIGHT, I am progressively realizing a worthy ideal.

What are my leverages?

• By 8/8 I am going to lose 5 kg and weighing 87 kg
• By 21/8 Quit Nicorette
• By 4/9 I am going to weigh 79 kg (worse 82 kg)
• By October I am going to meet Pal and lose 20 kg by weighing 73 kg (worse 79 kg)
• By November I am meeting Amarpreet and weigh 69 kg
• By December I am having my gout checkup and have a reading of 300
• By January - 63 kg
• By April I am meeting BJ and RR - 57 kg

My strategy is OMAD Apple + Butter + Moringa

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I should reinforce this thought every night until it becomes my obsession.  To hit 79 kg by my birthday.

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11/7/20 ***Els Cold Turkey Starts

I concluded that I cannot do away with Els.  I don't want to shove her away because I have a mental condition.  I like her.  However I don't want to overdo it.

I like the kind of relationship that I have with you right now Sarah.  It's very levelheaded.  Initially our relationship was influenced by the illness too.  It took a couple of years for it to stabilize.

I think this ketogenic diet is making me a better person in handling the illness.  I think taking too much carbs causes me to have mood swings, namely mania.  Sugar induces dopamine surge.  I need the complex carbs, not simple sugar like rice.

I need to be fat adapted if I want to start burning fat.  Rightfully I should not eat other carbs than just apple.

Yesterday I felt slightly under the weather.  Thank goodness I bounced back today.

I need to be resilient in combating this illness.  I must be patient and persistent.  Weight reduction is definitely the answer to my problem.  Simply no carbs.

I got to show Pal I can drop my weight to 79 kg.  Then by the end of this year I will drop to 63 kg.  To do that I got to change my eating habit.  I cannot eat rice.  I have to make a point to stop eating sugar, processed fo[r] (food) and rice for the rest of my life.  Otherwise my lifespan will be shortened between 9 to 20 years.

I got to manage my bipolar and gout.  I believe these two can be managed by ketogenic diet.  I had quit smoking.  Next is to lose weight.

Tonight I skip dinner and I still don't feel hungry.

Patience and persistence.

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This Cold Turkey is necessary.  I got to break the addiction.  That's the only way for me to recover from my mania.  If I take it that Els is a trigger to my illness, then without Els, then there is no illness.  The opposite is also true.  No illness, no Els.

Els Dines Retweeted a Tweet from STOKED

Be thankful for all the struggles you go through. They make you stronger, wiser and humble. Don't let it break you. Let it make you.

Els Dines liked a Tweet from The Secret

If you treat people kindly, no matter what the circumstances, the Universe will return the kindness to you. It's simply the way life works.

Why am I so attracted to Els?

She is so vibrant and energetic.  She is funny too.  I like funny girls.  They make me feel upbeat.  Best of all she is smart.

But it not whether I like her.  It's whether she likes me.  From the way things been going on, she hates my guts.

At the same time, she is a crazy chick.

Yes, I'm attracted to a crazy chick.  Only a crazy chick dye her hair red.

Sooner or later I got to let go of the crazy chick.

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Suddenly I remember Brad Pitt.  With all the money he has, he is nothing more than a pothead.

Comparatively I have a better life.

If I sleep well, wake up early, exercise AHAD and be thin, I say I am a success.

I already got the formula.

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The more I am on low carbs, the less grandiose are my thoughts.

Let me write Els another letter.

What can I say, inspirations abound

Dear Els,

I had the compulsion to write you another letter.

As you know I am a very expressive writer when I write to you.  Actually I don't mind having this intense emotion at all.  It is a sincere feeling I have towards you and honest to goodness it brings out the best in me.

However, it is my earnest intention to get well.  I don't want you to think I am a crazy old coot who can't handle his emotion.  That is why I made the decision to go Cold Turkey on you.  I want to taper off the excessive happiness.  That is the effect of my illness whenever I communicate with you.

Having said that, it is my utter sincerity to be with you until the end of my life.  I had experienced much joy in knowing you.  I do believe we are soulmates whose paths had converged.  Therefore I appreciate what you had done for me in keeping me on my track.  Things like your credo, your inspirational quotes and your recommendation for me to attend Coursera are really defining the course of my life right now.

I don't deny those flamboyant expressions I made to you in the past.  It's just that I think I was too expressive.  That might scare you.  It is just the nature of the illness honey.  The illness does not define me.  As a human being I am a compassionate man.  So happens I have bipolar.  I could have had other illnesses and I am still more than my ailment.

I don't want to lose you.  That will be my worst nightmare.  As of now you are my pillar of strength.  Part of the reason for me to be well again is so that I can project my feeling for you sans the influence of the illness albeit depression or mania.

There is hope.  As Hippocrates said, "Let thy food be the medicine".  I am now experimenting with a ketogenic diet.  It is supposed to work well with bipolar disorder.  This is my first week.  This letter is the effect of the diet.  I am less "flourishing" to put it mildly LOL.

I hope someday you will see me as who I was before the illness struck.  I am a much sensible person then.  Still full of passion but more grounded I must say.

Love you always.

Sine cera,

SJ
12/7/20

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Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

24s

@elsDines

What can I say, inspirations abound. The email is the last bit before I go Cold Turkey. Catch you in a few months...

>>>#11/7/20 I am in a down cycle

I sleep early last night and this morning I am not motivated to wake up with the alarm.

The only motivation is the weight loss.  I lost 1.7 kg this week.

So today I start to rebound.  I can snap out of it.   I had enough sleep and I am well rested.

I listened to Capital UK.

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I better break my addiction to Els.  As it is stated, the whole thing is an addiction.  There is nothing beyond that.  I am acting like a crazy man.

I am not in love with her.  I just want to express my craziness for her to like me.  I don't think it is working.  She will conclude that I am crazy but she will not like me anyway.

No girl in her right mind will like a crazy middle age man.  I got to come to term with that.

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Now that I am doing this OMAD Apple, I have the urge to smoke dope.  That's because my dopamine is low.

I feel like writing to Els.

Dear Els,

I just came to the realization that I had not been acting like a normal person with you.  Well, that's because I am not normal.  I am a person with a certain mental condition.  I know it but I can't help it.  This is not something I can rationally manage.  Otherwise it will not be considered as a disorder.

For the past 3 weeks I had been educating myself on this illness.  Certainly my feelings towards you were way too intense.  It was influenced by the surge of neurotransmitters in my brain; namely dopamine.  I become excessively happy when I'm with you.  No doubt it is a wonderful feeling but I don't think it is something I want to accentuate.  My mission is to get well.  Plus I don't want *[] (to) reinforce the relationship with exaggerations. 

Taking all aspects into account, I decided *[] (to) stop writing to you for a few months.  As least until I manage to control my overwhelming feelings for you.  It is as strong as my addiction to cigarettes.  When I don't write to you I experience withdrawal symptoms.  The only way to overcome that is to break the addiction cold turkey.

I will not be listening to you either during this period.  The thing that bugs me is not knowing what your feeling about this whole thing.  Do you despise me or do you tolerate me writing to you?  Certainly by me writing to you helps me deal with my bipolar swings.

You helped me much with my recovery.  However, I don't want the pendulum to swing between extremes anymore.  What I plan to achieve is a range somewhere at the midpoint.

Thank you for not rejecting me.  This is not an easy illness to deal with.  It takes patience and persistence.  The word I came across many times during my research is resilience.  I don't have anybody else who I can write as openly as I write to you.  Somehow you managed *[] (to) strike the right cord.

*  Sarah seems to agree with this approach.

Love you always.

Sine cera,

SJ

11/7/20

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

2m

@elsdines

I wrote a somber email to you tonight. I won't be contacting you in the next few months. Need to reassess the whole situation. I think I need to have a fresh perspective.

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That's probably the end of my loving relationship [] (with) Els.  I had decided to no longer contact her.  Let it end here.  I had just realized that it is not a relationship.  It is me feeding on the illness.  I write to her because that makes me feel good.  I don't really know what actually she is thinking.  For all I know she thinks I am a nutcase.

Just like I had been receiving text from Hanafiah.  It is really a nuisance.

I sounded like I am in desperate need to have her.  People can smell desperation.

From now on, when I write, I'll write to you.

I think I stop seeing BJ too.  I had the urge to smoke pot because my dopamine is low.  I got to fight this battle all by myself.

What is it really?  It is dependency on the neurochemicals.  So I need to fight the illness and recover from this dependency.  I need to get well.

I have to get back to basics.  Diet and exercise.


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10/7/20 ***If it is to be then it is up to me

If I am to get well then I got to stop doing things that get me into mania.

My goals must be realistic.

I need to be more composed.  I should not over commit myself.  For example I should be looking at working 4 days a month at RM6 k total instead of 10 days.

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So back to the old paradigm with me - Personal Blogging, Evernote and Cybernetic Loop with UK radio stations.

During this time I still need Nicorette.

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It is true then, carbs makes me feel bloated.  Now by not eating carbs I feel really at ease with the food that I eat.  I still experience carbs craving.  The body expects the surge of insulin after meal.  Since it is not coming, I have the urge to chew Nicorette.

I am not entirely at peace with this new eating style.  However I am having FAITH that I am on the right track with my overall plan.  Knowing I am on the Path makes me have a comforting thought.

This is the model I am going with:

I need to endure this discomfort for 2 weeks.

In the meantime I stick to the winning formula:

• Sleep at 11 am
• Wake up at 6 am
• Exercise AHAD
• Eat OMAD Apple
• Study Coursera

Today I take a break.  I just enjoy my own company.

The radio is really my true companion here. 

I should break away from Social Media.  Instead, I become my own best friend.

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What is the ideal happiness to me?

• Having RM3 k extra cash every month
• Weighing 63 kg
• Able to run 10 km every other day
• Living within my 10 km radius
• Able to sleep at 11 pm
• Able to wake up at 6 am
• Enjoying some good music
• Look good in old pants and shorts
• Absent of illness
• Occasional good meals
• Good cup of coffee
• Dome Burnt Cheese Cake
• No carbs craving
• All gadgets functioning
• Wearing all my watches

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I want to be able to sleep soundly every night and wake up the next day feeling charged.  I love the morning walk.  It is so invigorating.  Then I spend time learning from Coursera.  Life of a college student.  That is the best life.

I need to be thin again for sure.  Apple and moringa for lunch is the best.  Then dinner, I eat ketogenic meal.  I can vision myself weighing 79 kg on my birthday.  That is a progressive realization towards a worthy ideal.

Let's look at Ikigai:

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10/7/20 ^^^I have to keep on fighting

Today is a good example of a down day.  I was sleepy too.

As it is, there should not be anymore Els.  Enough is enough.  If I want to get well, this is the very thing I should do.

Who am I kidding?  I'm just making a fool of myself.

These are the things I should do:

• Quit Nicorette by Liz's birthday
• Achieve my goal to weigh 79 kg by my birthday
• Continue with Coursera
• Earn RM3 k a month
• Sleep at 11 pm
• Wake up at 6 am
• Exercise AHAD
• Eat OMAD Apple

Weighing 79 kg should be the most motivating goal. 

• I look good
• I can snub Pal's sarcasm
• I look good in clothes
• I am lighter too

I should make a point to keep running on daily basis.  Keep hitting the wall like Icarus.  Be consistent like Sisyphus.

I have 5 months before I see Dr Amarpreet.  By then I should lose 20 kg.

So the long and short of it, I should lose weight.  That is the single most motivating factor in my life.  I'll do that by eating OMAD Apple and exercise AHAD.

Man, I had the right formula already.  I don't need to compound my condition by writing silly emails to Els.

Since 247 Continuous is not reachable, I listen to Absolute Classic Rock instead.  No more TraXX for me.

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Come to think of it, I really screw up big time with Els.  I was only stoking my ego with her.  When I look back as what I wrote, everything is plain crazy.  If last year my goal is to quit the 3 Cs, this year I want to be cured from Bipolar.  I want to continuously be productive and be a contributing member of the community.

This is where I draw line.  I choose not to be crazy anymore.  Cutting Els loose is the very step I take to be well again.

I made all the mistakes of losing a girl.  Furthermore I was crazy.  The sooner I accept the fact the faster I move on to recover from this illness.

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I got to have faith in Pal to bring me RM3 k a month. That is the best model.  I make some money and yet I can be on my own.

Hey, I should remember that my goal in life is to be free.  No money is despairing.  So I make some money on the sideline.  Not so much.  Just enough for me to give to Lizzie and for me to spend on my own.  As it is I don't need to eat out.  That is a major savings.

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10/7/20 ^^^As I write

Today is a good day.  I slept well, I woke up early and I exercised.  That constitutes a winning day for me.

I tried to study today but suddenly fatigue sets in.  I offset that by eating raisins.  No more fatigue.

What do I want ultimately?  I want to be thin so that I can run fast.  Money is not relevant at this point.  If I make extra cash well and good.  Anything less than RM15 k a month, I just maintain status quo.  You never know what item will break down and need replacement.

It is my intention to lose 13 kg by my birthday.  I should be less that 79 kg by then.  Therefore I am willing to go though the discomfort in order for me to achieve my goal.

I should be studying but the truth is I am mentally exhausted.  I'll start at 2:00 pm.

So as it is, no more Els.  It's not working.  I should not reinforce my mania with her.  I had been crazy for the past 2 years.  7/7/20 I had expressed my feelings for her.  That's the end of it.  I have Yati as an option.

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My success is dependent on my ability to withstand hunger.  So let's focus on intrinsic values:

• Spend time to increase my competency
• Improve my physique

Back to substance and style.  I had not been chasing skirts for so long.  The 3 Cs Oath applies to all sort of cunts.  Not just Gayshas.

Ultimately, I want to be free.  So I need to be free from all forms of addictions.

The best form of love is the love for self and those who care.  Why do I want to love somebody who doesn't reciprocate my email?  It doesn't make sense.

A warrior walks alone.

I want to take it slow today.  Fuck studying.  I am not in the mood.

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>>>#10/7/20 Another masterpiece

Had a goodnight sleep, woke up early and exercised.  Already a winning combo.  Next is to study and eat OMAD Apple.  This 2 weeks my body is adjusting to the low calories and low carbs,  More so the low carbs.

I can do this.  79 kg by my birthday.

By end of this year, I shall weight 63 kg.

To do that, I SHOULD NOT eat carbs.  That's all.  Carbs is the culprit.

Moringa is fantastic.  So is butter and apple.

Els is another form of addiction.  I got to stop that addiction, just like I need to stop Nicorette.  2020 is the year I stop all forms of addiction.  Even BJ is an addiction.

The only addiction I should have is the addiction to diet and exercise.  These are the only two addictions that are empowering.

I should be obsessed to weight 63 kg.  Then I'll go for 57 kg and run 10 km every other day.

I want to wear back my old pants and shorts.  I should lose the abdominal fat.

I need to prove to Pal that I stand by my book.

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The hypomania had subsided.  Replacing it is the state of blah.

I was low on sugar.  When I ate a scoop of raisins, I feel better.

This will last for two weeks.

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What's the deal with Els anyway?  It is nothing more than a need to express myself.  I can do away with a muse especially if the muse is non-responsive.  Back to writing the blog.  This is the best  outlet. 

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